(Transcribed by TurboScribe.ai. Go Unlimited to remove this message.)
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I was in my 60s when I realized I'd been lying to my kids and grandkids when I thought I was protecting them by staying strong and not talking about my emotions. It turns out, I was accidentally teaching them that feelings don't have names or that they don't matter. When I was growing up, I had maybe three words for how I felt, fine, mad, and sad.
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That was it. If something was bothering me, I'd either go quiet or blow up. I couldn't tell you the difference between feeling disappointed, anxious, or just plain tired.
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My parents weren't bad people. They just didn't have the words either. When I got upset, my mom would say things like, don't be so sensitive, or you're making a mountain out of a molehill.
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My dad would tell me to toughen up. So I learned to stuff everything down. And you know what? I brought that right into my parenting.
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How could I teach my kids something I never learned myself? For years, I had no idea this was even a problem. Welcome to Lessons for Life with Grandma Kate. If you want to stop yelling, end the daily power struggle, or manage your frustration better, but don't know how, you're in the right place.
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I get it. I was there too. As a grandma, I finally started learning the emotional skills I wish I'd had as a younger mom.
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Each week, I share simple, practical ways to grow your emotional skills so you can be the calm, confident, inspiration your kids need. New episodes drop every Thursday, so hit that subscribe button. And hey, if something here speaks to you, leaving a quick review helps others find it too.
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Like a lighthouse steady and strong, let's all shine a little brighter today. And listen until the end for my bonus insight. It's about the surprising shift that happens when kids can name their feelings.
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Maybe this sounds familiar. A lot of us grew up hearing things like, stop crying, or you're fine, shake it off. Maybe your parents said things like, big boys don't cry, or don't be such a drama queen.
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They weren't trying to hurt us, they just didn't know any better. They were probably raised the same way. But here's what happens when we don't have words for what we're feeling.
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Everything comes out sideways. We get snappy over little things. We shut down when we're stressed.
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We say we're fine when we're anything but fine. Sound familiar? I remember being in my 30s and someone asking me how I felt about something, and I literally couldn't answer. I'd pause for the longest time, trying to find a word that wasn't happy, sad, or mad.
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And our kids? They're watching all of this. They're learning that feelings don't get names. They just get buried or exploded.
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So they grow up just like we did, not knowing how to say what's going on inside. I've been volunteering in a local elementary school for the past two years, helping kids with reading. You know what I see? Seven-year-olds who can't tell me they're frustrated with a book.
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They just say, this is stupid, and push it away. Or ten-year-olds who feel left out at recess, but can only say, everyone's mean. They're stuck, just like we were.
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Elementary school kids today are dealing with so much more, such as social media pressure, even in elementary school, academic stress that starts earlier, friendship drama that follows them home through text messages and online games. But if they can't put words to what they're feeling, all of that stress has nowhere to go except in their behavior. And then we wonder why they're melting down over homework or having trouble sleeping.
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Think about it. If your child can say, I'm worried about the math test, instead of just melting down at homework time, you can actually help them work through it. You might realize they need extra practice, or they're putting too much pressure on themselves, or they just need some reassurance.
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But if they don't have the word worried, all you see is the meltdown. You might think they're being defiant or lazy, but they're just scared. When kids learn to name their feelings, something amazing happens.
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They stop feeling so alone with those big emotions. They realize that feeling nervous about a test is normal. That feeling disappointed when plans change makes sense.
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That feeling proud after working hard on something is worth celebrating. I'll never forget this one evening when my kids were little. It was one of those days, you know the kind? I was making dinner, the kids were fighting over a toy in the living room, nobody had started their homework, and the dog had gotten into the garbage.
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Then my youngest spilled juice all over the kitchen table, and I completely lost it. I mean completely. I yelled about the juice, about the mess, about how nobody in this house listened to me.
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I slammed the paper towels down so hard, I scared myself. The look on their faces broke my heart. My youngest started crying, my older ones just went quiet and disappeared to the rooms.
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They were scared of me. And for what? Spilled juice that would take 30 seconds to clean up? That night, after I tucked them in and apologized for yelling, I sat in my kitchen thinking about what had happened. The truth? I wasn't even mad about the juice.
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I wasn't mad at them at all. I was overwhelmed. I was tired from a long day at work.
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I was feeling like I was failing at everything. The house was a mess, dinner was going to be late again, and I felt like I couldn't keep up with all the demands on me. I was probably feeling guilty about not being more patient, and maybe even a little lonely if I'm being honest, but I didn't know how to say any of that.
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I didn't have the words for, I'm overwhelmed and I need some help, or I'm having a really hard day and I need five minutes to breathe, so it all came out as anger over spilled juice. Looking back, I realized that if I had named what I was feeling earlier in the day, things might have been different. I could have asked for help, I could have taken a break, I could have said to my kids, Mommy's feeling really stressed right now, so I need everyone to use their inside voices while I finish dinner.
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That night, I made myself a promise. I was going to learn the words I never had growing up, just not for me, but for my kids, because they deserved better than watching their mom explode over nothing and not understanding why. So, here's where you can start, and it's simpler than you think, but it's also harder than it sounds.
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You're going to begin building your feeling vocabulary step by step. First, grab a piece of paper or open your phone and make a list. Start with feeling words that go beyond happy, sad, or mad.
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Words like overwhelmed, proud, nervous, disappointed, excited, frustrated, grateful, lonely, content, worried, hopeful, embarrassed, and relieved. Don't worry about making a perfect list. Just write down words that feel real to you.
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Keep that list somewhere you'll see it, such as by taping it to your bathroom mirror, putting it on your fridge, or taking a picture of it on your phone. Now here's the practice part. Once a day, maybe during your morning coffee or while you're driving to work, ask yourself, what am I feeling right now? And don't settle for fine or okay or stressed.
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Instead of tired, maybe it's exhausted or overwhelmed. Instead of sad, maybe it's grief or disappointment. The more expanded your vocabulary, the more accurately you can understand and manage what's going on inside.
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At first this might feel weird. You might think, this is silly. I don't mean to name every feeling I have, but trust me on this.
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When you start paying attention to what you're feeling, you begin to see patterns. You may notice you feel anxious every Sunday night because Monday mornings are always chaotic. Maybe you realize you feel resentful when you're doing all the household tasks alone.
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Perhaps you discover you feel proud more often than you thought, but you never stop to notice it. This one small step, just naming what you feel, helps you catch emotions before they turn into explosions or shutdowns. It gives you a chance to deal with the real feeling instead of letting it come out sideways.
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Now here's the game changer. Start saying your feelings out loud around your kids, not dramatically, just naturally. If you're rushing to get everyone ready and you're feeling stressed, say it.
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I'm feeling rushed right now, so I'm going to take a deep breath. If your child helps their sibling, name it. I'm feeling really proud of how you helped your brother.
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When kids hear you name feelings regularly, they start thinking, oh, feelings have names. And when they can feel it, name it, and reframe it, you can help them with it. Pretty soon, instead of melting down over homework, your child might say, I'm upset.
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They're feeling it. Actually, I'm frustrated with this math problem. Now they're naming it.
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That means I might need to slow down or ask for help, not give up. Now they just reframed it. So here are my three big takeaways from today.
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First, most of us never learned emotional vocabulary growing up, and that's not our fault. But it is our responsibility to learn it now. Second, when we can't name our feelings, they come out sideways through anger, shutdowns, or explosions that hurt our relationships with our partner and kids.
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And third, kids learn by watching us. When we model naming our emotions, they naturally start doing it too. And here's your bonus insight to think about.
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Emotional vocabulary isn't just about preventing meltdowns. It's about connection. When your child can say, I'm feeling left out, instead of just acting up, you get to be their helper instead of their disciplinarian.
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You move from managing their behavior to understanding their heart. Here's your challenge this week. Pick five feeling words beyond happy, sad, or mad.
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Write them down somewhere visible. Then use at least one with your child each day in natural conversation. Pay attention to how they respond.
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You just might be surprised how quickly they start using those same words to tell you what's really going on with them. So whether you're figuring out your own feelings, working through a tough moment as a family, or learning how to talk things through with your partner or kids, you're also learning to become the person you want to be. Listening is great, but nothing changes if you don't actually do something with what you've just heard.
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So pick one idea from today and use it this week. That's when the magic happens. And if you want to keep building these skills, hit follow for more from Lessons for Life with Grandma Kate.
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As I conclude this episode, I must state that this podcast is designed solely for educational and entertainment purposes. While I bring my experience as a parent and grandparent, it's essential that you know I am not a licensed therapist. This podcast is not a substitute for professional advice from a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional.
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Got it? Awesome. Until next time, what is one thing you are grateful for?
(Transcribed by TurboScribe.ai. Go Unlimited to remove this message.)
