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And that's kind of what you just alluded to. Live our lives and live it to its fullest, because I talk a lot about with, in my podcast, is be the role model. And as parents, because our kids are always watching us, you know, the way we flick our hair or the way we, you know, even if public speaking, our voices, our mannerisms, like kids are always watching and need to set that example, being courageous, setting boundaries, how do we deal with conflict and personal growth, much as what you're talking about, like by the kind of person that is going to do the beliefs, and we need to be that more for our kids, I think.
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Welcome to the Lessons for Life with Grandma Kate podcast, which is all about real talk and practical tips for building self-esteem, confidence and self-worth, so you can step into your power and live life on your terms. New episodes drop every Thursday, so hit that subscribe button and let's grow together. And if you're loving the show, a quick review helps more people find it.
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In this episode, Brian Seth Hurst is back to discuss how we can live better lives by making small daily changes. We discuss the power of knowing your core values, building healthy habits and learning to treat yourself with kindness and self-compassion. Brian shares stories and lessons that remind us we don't have to be perfect, we just need to show up with love for ourselves and others.
Well, very long story short, I returned to my dream, I was a performer 40 some odd years ago and I returned to performing after 40 years. And so I've done a one man show and I continue to do it, but I continue to do these open mics so that I can keep things up. And a song I always wanted to sing was Children Will Listen by Stephen Sondheim.
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Wow. And so I have been working on that song and I've been working on the revised version that Barbra Streisand sang, which starts out, how do you say to your child on the night, nothing's all black, but then nothing's all white. How do you say it will all be all right when you know that it mightn't be true? What do you do? And then the lyric goes to careful the things you say, children will listen.
Careful the things you do, children will see and learn. Children see and learn. Children may not obey, but children will listen.
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Children will look to you for which way to turn, to know what to be. Careful before you say, listen to me, children will listen. And then it goes on beyond that, which is careful the spell or careful the wish you make, wishes your children.
Careful the path they take, wishes come true, not free. Careful the spell you cast, not just on children. Sometimes the spell will last past what you can see and turn against you.
Careful the tale you tell, that is the spell children will listen. So, I mean, it's brilliant. You don't get the manual on parenting, that's for sure.
We all make mistakes. It's that learning curve. And I think that's, if kids can see parents learning or parents trying, then that speaks volumes in itself too.
So many people struggle with habits. And I know we were talking earlier too, I could relate when you were talking about the diet one, because one of the things, eating chips, like we mindlessly eat chips, right? We'll just hand them out, hand them out, and that's just a habit we've created. And now we have to break the habit if we don't want to eat all those chips.
So is there exercises? Yeah, I don't know that the book addresses chips. But I think that, you know, habits that are inherently self-destructive, those habits, I think one needs support. It's like you need the tools, and there'll be different tools for different people.
I don't think that one size fits all. It's just like I feel about spiritual information. I don't think there's anything new in my book that hasn't been said over generations and even in ancient times, but it's the way it's said that resonates with some people but might not resonate with others.
So gaining the tools that you need, for example, if eating chips is part of a larger reality of overeating, then maybe it's time to get support for that to find out what is at the root of overeating. And to not look at it as a sickness or something that's horrible, but something that needs to be supported in order to grow through and learn from. And I don't think you grow through or learn from by making yourself wrong or judging yourself harshly or putting yourself in the position where other people will judge you harshly, especially if you're doing the best you can.
So many times when I work with parents, my question that I ask them is, do you believe that you were doing the best that you could with the knowledge and experience you had at the time? And nine times out of 10, the answer is yes. So working through habits or what you're what you're you use the word mindless. And basically, once you're conscious of something, then you're at choice.
So if you're aware, then you have a choice to make. My choice would, the choice I would make would be not to buy the chips and have them in the house. And then the other thing is just like with, you know, what am I thinking about? What is what is going on with me? Why am I doing this? You know, am I eating to fill a void? Is there an emptiness I'm feeling right now? Or am I eating because I'm stressed out and I need comfort, I need to be comforted.
So I need that mac and cheese right now, because that's what I, you know, especially in my family, it was eat something, you'll feel better. Didn't work. We said all the time, eat something, you'll feel better.
I ate something to feel better all the way up to 200 pounds. Yeah, and it's so much like what you're talking self awareness is so huge as to what you've got to compare that you've got to pair that with self compassion. Those two things together, because you could be aware of something and just beat yourself up over it.
And that'll create more friction. But to say, okay, there's something going on. Yeah, something I'm feeling more deeply, there's something I need here.
And also, just as a side note, you know, I make sure that I have go to sources of inspiration or comfort, like Kristen Neff's book, self compassion, I recommend that all the time. That's a book that I will go to, I will go to because I'm I can take things really personally. So I will go to Don Miguel Ruiz is the four agreements just to read that second agreement, don't take things personally, over again, to remind myself, I will ask the universe for objective perspective, like, am I not seeing something here? Let me just see if I can have because something is always working in my favor, whether I see it or not, or whether I'm willing to tell the truth about it or not.
So even in the worst of circumstances, where something may really, really hurt, I'm going to have that hurt, I'm going to have those feelings. I'm also going to train myself to ask, okay, what is going on here? And is there something positive that I can take away from this? You know, and actually, you and I were talking before the call, we were talking about technology and technical support before. And I was so aggravated at the lack of technical support that I was getting today, that I just completely gave up.
And I was like, there has to be in my mind, I'm going there has to be a workaround, there has to be an answer. And then my other half walked in. And he said, What if you did this? So all of a sudden, the answer came, I wasn't, I was struggling, I was fighting for it.
So I couldn't see it. You know, and here it was delivered from someone else that said, Have you thought of this? No, I hadn't. But that's a good idea.
I will do that. And it worked. Sometimes we can be our own worst enemy.
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You know, when they, when you lose something, Kate, and you're looking, and you're looking, and you're looking, you're looking, you're looking, and you can't find it. And finally, you give up, and it shows up. I use that analogy all the time, which is I am fighting for this, I am struggling for this, I gotta give up for a minute.
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It's, it's when our mind calms down. Right? Like just what you just said, like, we just calmer minds down. I always say, help me to see what I'm not help me to see what I can't see.
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So in other words, I'm just so frantic about finding something that I just get in my head. And then all of a sudden, I just take that deep breath that you know, and then it's just Yes. So sometimes I say, help me to see what I'm unwilling to see.
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Ooh, that's a good one, too. That's a good one, too. Because I might not want to, it might hurt too much, or I might want to protect myself.
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Values, you also talk about values, which I think is so like, I never grew up with values in my household, probably lived by some, but I, it was never called values. So are there exercises? So a lot of times, I mean, you grew up with values, you probably didn't know what they were, they probably weren't called that. But for me, one of the most important values in my life was imparted by my parents, which was integrity, to tell the truth.
The other one was consideration for others. My mother was the head of a charity in Philadelphia, where I grew up for a time. And when we were little, we were taken to volunteer so that we would learn that.
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So in chat in the, in the workbook, it asks you to find those values. And so I used integrity. Integrity means being true to myself and true to my word, it means that I keep my word to myself as well as others.
Integrity means that I can be trusted to do whatever I consider to be the right thing, even when no one else knows I'm doing it. So I named the value, then I define it. And then I asked you to name the value, and then define it.
So the reason I don't completely define those values is because that's the opportunity for you to look. And that's the opportunity for you to begin to trust what's coming up from you. And then the second exercise in that thing is, where do you feel you've made a difference in the lives of others? And the purpose of that is for you to see your own value, that's coming out of your values.
So if you've made a difference in someone else's life, it's because of your values that you have. And then the next part of that, it says, how do you see yourself? Your truth, how you see yourself will be how the world sees you, and there will be no need to prove or convince the world of your value. People see the truth with their hearts, there's no need for them to be sold on it.
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And so it asks you to do that exercise. And then most of the exercises in the workbook, Kate, have a real world application, like, it's okay, like, how do I take what I've learned out into the world? And in this one, it says, don't sell. The next time you find yourself in circumstances where you feel the need to sell yourself, shift into stillness and listening mode.
Rather than talking about yourself, shift the conversation and make it about the other person. If the other person is, quote, present, unquote, they will ask about you, then you can answer their questions from a centered place, knowing you really have nothing to prove but only to be. If the other person does not ask about you, then you will know that it is likely that they will not be available to the quality of relationship that reflects your values.
This does not make them a bad person, it's simply where they are in their lives, and chances are they are working very hard to prove their value and worth. So that whole chapter that's about value, it's also about values and how one values oneself. And I think one of those challenging things to do sometimes is remove yourself from a situation where you aren't valued.
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Yeah, yeah. Because you'll get to resentment, you'll get to, you know, victim me, like they don't respect me, and they don't treat me right, and blah, blah, blah. But you might not be valuing yourself, and so then you're not valued.
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No, that's very true. And just to take a step backwards a bit, going through values, that could be something a family could do together, maybe at an easier level, like kindness, and that would be cool to have the kids look up the word, or depending on the age, or define kindness in their own family unit, and then go out and act on kindness. You know, I never thought about that.
I mean, people have mentioned that they're going to form groups, and I'm actually experimenting with something right now, which is forming support groups around the workbook, because just like working out alone in your house is challenging. Sometimes when you're working out at the gym, even if you're not working out in a group, you feel like you're in the zone. So creating groups that can be supporting, I'm doing a couple of those to see how that works out.
We're going to cover five chapters at a time with the same group of volunteers, and to see how that works out. But people have mentioned to me they want to do the workbook with a group of their friends. I never actually thought about doing the workbook as a family, but that's not a bad idea.
No, it's, I mean, then you can talk about self-worth, and helping your child to understand it's not the external validation, it's the internal validation. And what I do to help kids is I volunteer at a school with reading, and one of the things I'll ask them, so have you seen improvements since we first started back in September for us? I'm in Canada. And the kids will be like, yeah, they like most of them because they have, or even at the end of the one session, they'll be like, wow, like you've really improved.
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Do you see that in yourself? So even if they don't see it in the moment, I'm planting that seed, and they might think about it later on during the day. But because we just, if we don't have it when we're little, and kids, we carry that low self-worth into our adulthood. And then we're, well, I mean, yes, then we're doing exercises.
You know, there's in that same song, it says in the bridge, what do you say to a child who's in flight? Don't slip away, and I won't hold so tight. What can you say that no matter how slight won't be misunderstood? What do you leave to a child when you're dead? Only whatever you put in its head. Things that your mother and father had said that were left to them to.
Careful what you say. So it's generational. It's passed down.
And the awakening of self-discovery without self-punishment, self-discovery is the chance to relearn, to learn something new, to parent differently. Both my parents came from single-parent households. So they really didn't know what it was to have joint parenting.
And so they learned. And we took whatever we took away from it. Mm-hmm.
So, you know, it's generational. It's passed down. Beliefs are generational.
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They are generational and can have negative consequences because I grew up in a household that was emotionally unstable. And it took me decades to figure it out. I knew there was something not right, but I lost my voice until I just kept persisting.
And I had to figure out there had to be a better way that this wasn't right. And I mean, I've spent years in personal growth. And finally, it just seems in the last two or three years, everything has kind of come together for me.
It's parenting. I mean, yes, I was again, yeah, going to going to a musical. Yeah.
I was raised in musical theater in South Pacific. The lyric is, you've got to be taught to be afraid of people whose eyes are oddly made. You've got to be taught.
You've got to be taught to be afraid of people whose eyes are oddly made and people whose skin is a different shade. You've got to be carefully taught. You've got to be taught before it's too late, before you were six or seven or eight to hate all the people your relatives hate.
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You've got to be carefully taught. You've got to be carefully taught. Yeah.
Yeah. So, yeah. It's, and then that goes back to being the role model for our kids.
It's, it all, it's all interweaved. We're getting close to wrapping up. But if there's one thing you want to leave with the listeners, what would that one thing be? Two things, I would say, don't be afraid of feeling because underneath the feeling is your intuition and your healing and the work works.
Like when you do self-exploration and self-discovery, it may be challenging. It may be painful at times, but just like your readers, you've got to acknowledge your progress. Most of the time, I think, at least in Western society, we look at where we aren't instead of what we are.
There's always another mountain to climb, but you're gaining skills and you'll be a better mountain climber. The more you know your instrument, the more you know yourself, the easier that mountain will be to climb. It's like being in spiritual shape to climb the spiritual mountains.
Yeah. And if people want to know more about the books or they want to have access to the support groups that might be formed, they can find everything about the books at wholelifebook.com, where you can see the workbook and the book and the audio book. I love the audio book.
I don't have an issue with my own voice. I just pretended somebody else. And when I listened to that audio book, I was like, wow, this is important.
Yeah. And then our largest community group that's forming is forming on Facebook, which is facebook.com forward slash whole the book. And on Instagram, it's at whole underscore lifebook.com. And my personal site is brian sethurst.com. Perfect.
And I just want to confirm because whole can be spelt two different ways. Okay, so it's w h o l e, whole, as in a whole nest. Yeah, yes.
And I think grace is such a beautiful word. You know, like all that we've talked about is just give yourself grace as you're going through the changes or journaling. Awesome, Brian.
Well, it's been a pleasure having you as a guest. And I wish you all the best. Thank you.
And I wish you all the best as well. And, you know, it's grandma Kate, and I want to tell you that I learned more from my grandmother, just not only about life, but about baking. And baking as the analogy for life.
Yeah, you know, to pay attention to the ingredients and the timing and that certain things alter, it's like everything is a recipe. Yeah, you know, and what are you going to put into the mix? Yeah, that's I learned that my grandmother was tremendously courageous human being tough as nails. But I learned a lot from my grandma, because she wouldn't, she wouldn't let you know, that she didn't know she did know.
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Yeah, she was always right. She would always point like this. Oh, yeah, and you knew, and she was right.
Because she, she was her experience. She lived her experience and shared her experience. Yeah.
And that's a whole other topic. And maybe we better get you back because grandparents are so influential in a child's life or in the family. We live so far apart nowadays.
I'll have to have you back Brian, and we'll get into that topic. Thank you so much for having me. Thank you.
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There is always time to rewrite your family story. Break free from patterns that no longer serve you and create a home filled with love, understanding and unwavering support. I'm here to guide you every step of the way.
As I conclude this episode, I must state that this podcast is designed solely for educational and entertainment purposes. While I bring my experience as a parent and grandparent, it's essential that you know, I am not a licensed therapist. This podcast is not a substitute for professional advice from a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional.
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Got it? Awesome. Until next time, what is one thing you are grateful for?
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