How to Set Healthy Boundaries With Your Ex During Holiday Break

November 28, 2024

How to Set Healthy Boundaries With Your Ex During Holiday Break

Key Points:

What Are Boundaries?
5 Types of Boundaries for Everyday Living
How to Set Healthy Boundaries With Your Ex During Holiday Break
What to Say When Someone Pushes Back on Holiday Boundaries
What to Do When Your Boundaries Are Ignored

“Holidays are a time for family, but that doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice your peace of mind.”

– Unknown

What Are Boundaries?

Boundaries are about setting clear expectations to create a joyful and respectful atmosphere for everyone, especially during the holidays. They make a safe and loving space where everyone knows the rules and encourages respect, understanding, and open communication.

What boundaries are not is a means to be selfish, brutally honest, or rude. Also, boundaries aren’t about being rigid, unkind, or controlling.

Boundaries during holidays act as guides, helping you preserve the magic of the holidays while respecting everyone’s needs. They create clarity, reduce stress, and allow you to focus on what truly matters—cherished moments with loved ones.

5 Types of Boundaries for Everyday Living

Boundaries are essential for creating balance and fostering healthy relationships in daily life. Here are some key types:

Physical Boundaries
These involve personal space and physical touch. For example, you can tell others if you’re uncomfortable with hugs or need time alone after work. This is especially important with your kids. If they feel uncomfortable hugging a particular relative, then respect their boundaries. By respecting their boundaries, you are helping them say no later in life.
Emotional Boundaries
Emotional boundaries protect your feelings. This can include asking for time to process emotions or declining to discuss sensitive topics when you're not ready. During the holidays, we all have so much on our minds. If you need to take a few minutes to unwind, everyone will be better off.
Time Boundaries
Time boundaries help you manage how you use your time. For instance, you can limit how long you spend at your in-laws or holiday parties for self-care.
Communication Boundaries
These focus on how you interact with others. Examples include asking for respectful language during disagreements or requesting that specific conversations occur in private.
Material Boundaries
These involve your possessions and finances. For example, you may decide not to lend items you value highly or set limits on spending within a shared budget. This boundary is helpful for your little ones who don’t want to share their new toy.

How to Set Healthy Boundaries With Your Ex During Holiday Break

The holidays can bring unique challenges, especially when navigating family dynamics, including ex-partners. Setting boundaries helps ensure you can enjoy the season peacefully.

Schedule Boundaries
The holidays often come with competing commitments. For example, if you're co-parenting with an ex, establish an explicit schedule for sharing time with the kids. "The children will spend Christmas Eve with me and Christmas Day with you. We’ll switch next year to keep things fair." Scheduling holidays prevents last-minute stress and ensures the kids feel loved by both parents. Depending on the ex's behaviour, it is essential to have it in writing to avoid confusion later or if “I don’t remember saying that.”
Emotional Boundaries
Emotions can run high during the holidays, particularly in blended families. It’s okay to set limits on specific topics. For instance, "I’d appreciate it if we keep our conversations focused on the kids and holiday logistics rather than rehashing old arguments." Setting limits on specific topics maintains a positive atmosphere for everyone involved.
Gift-Giving Boundaries
Financial strain or differing ideas about gift-giving can be a significant source of tension with an ex-partner. Communicating is vital: "Let’s agree on a budget for the kids’ gifts so they don’t feel overwhelmed or get duplicate presents." A budget sets expectations and prevents unnecessary competition.

If your ex disrespects a gift-giving boundary, it can feel frustrating, but there are ways to handle it calmly and effectively while maintaining the spirit of the holidays:

Start by acknowledging what happened without assigning blame.

Example:
“I noticed the gifts you gave the kids were outside the budget we agreed on. I want to talk about this because sticking to the budget is important for everyone.”

Remind them that the boundary was set to benefit everyone.

Example:
“The budget wasn’t just about finances; it was about keeping things simple so the kids don’t feel overwhelmed or compare gifts.”

Share how the situation affected you, using “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory.

Example:
“I felt disappointed because I thought we had a shared understanding. It made me worry about how the kids might react or feel.”

Focus on preventing similar issues in the future rather than dwelling on the current situation.

Example:
“Going forward, I’d like us to stick to the agreed budget. If you’d like to give something extra, we can discuss it beforehand.”

Sometimes, despite your best efforts, others will still disregard boundaries. Remind yourself that their actions reflect their choices, not your worth. Stay firm in upholding your boundaries by reminding yourself that you communicated your needs. If they choose not to respect them, that’s on them, and I’ll adjust how I approach this next time.”

What to Say When Someone Pushes Back on Holiday Boundaries

Setting boundaries is essential, but not everyone will respond positively to them. It’s common to encounter pushback or situations where boundaries are ignored. Here’s how to handle these challenges effectively.

Why Pushback Happens

Unfamiliarity: The person may not be used to boundaries if they have not been set before.
Discomfort: They might feel uncomfortable or defensive because your boundaries challenge their behaviour.
Manipulation: Some individuals push back intentionally to test limits or maintain control.

Scenario:

You’ve set a boundary: gift-opening on Christmas morning will be a private tradition for your household, and extended family is welcome to join after breakfast. However, a family member keeps insisting they want to be there for the gift exchange.

How to Respond

Restate your boundaries calmly and with kindness:

Example:
“I know you’d love to be part of the gift exchange, but we’ve decided to keep that as a tradition for just our household. We’d love for you to come by at 10 AM for breakfast and spend the rest of the day with us.”

Show empathy for their disappointment without changing your plans:

Example:
“I understand it’s disappointing not to be part of the gift-opening. I value how much you care about sharing these moments, and I appreciate your understanding.”

Explain why the boundary is essential to your family:

Example:
“We’ve found that having this quiet time in the morning helps us create a special moment for the kids and makes the day feel less hectic for everyone.”

Focus on your feelings and decisions rather than their actions:

Example:
“I need this time to feel like we’re setting the tone for the holiday in a way that’s meaningful for our family. I hope you can understand that.”

To avoid pushback, communicate your boundaries ahead of time:

Example:
“This year, we’ll be opening gifts as a household in the morning and then hosting breakfast for everyone at 10 AM. We can’t wait to celebrate together!”

You can uphold your boundaries by staying kind yet firm while making others feel acknowledged and included in the more significant celebration.

What to Do When Your Boundaries Are Ignored

Address It Immediately
Calmly call out the behaviour as soon as it happens.
“I noticed you used your phone during dinner even though we agreed it would be phone-free. Please put it away.”
Enforce Consequences
Follow through with the consequence tied to the boundary.
“Since you stayed past the agreed time, we’ll need to set a stricter time limit next visit.”
Limit Engagement
If the behaviour continues, consider limiting interactions.
“I’ve explained my boundary several times, and I feel it’s not being respected. I’ll need to step away from this conversation until we can approach it calmly.”
Seek Support if Needed
A neutral third party, like a mediator, may help if the boundary involves co-parenting or family dynamics.

Conclusion

Respecting boundaries takes time, especially if they’re new. Stay consistent and firm, even when it feels challenging. People who genuinely care about you will adjust; boundaries will create healthier, more respectful relationships over time. If someone continues to disregard your boundaries, it’s okay to reevaluate their role in your life. Setting boundaries isn’t selfish—it’s self-respect.

Change begins with ourselves!

To learn more about Cathy or FREE DOWNLOADABLE RESOURCES, check out parentingyoungsters.com

Children’s Books:

Finding Lily’s Inner Magic: A Tale of Building Confidence
Lily’s Journey to Forgiveness: Letting Go of Hurt and Anger
Finding Jack’s Magic Within: A Lesson About Kindness
Consistency is Key: Self-Care Tips With Lily & Zach

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DISCLAIMER

The Tips for Parenting Youngsters Podcast and content posted by Cathy Barker are presented solely for general information, educational, and entertainment purposes. The use of information on this podcast or materials linked from this podcast or website is at the user’s own risk. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional, diagnosis, or treatment. Users should not disregard or delay in obtaining medical advice for any medical or mental health condition they may have. They should seek the assistance of their healthcare professional for any such conditions.

Episode Transcript

(Transcribed by TurboScribe.ai. Go Unlimited to remove this message.)

(0:14 - 0:29)
Holidays are a time for family, but that doesn't mean you have to sacrifice your peace of mind. This jingle keeps playing over in my head. The holidays are coming, the holidays are coming.

(0:30 - 0:57)
I don't know if it's the start of a song or an advertisement, but whatever it is, I'm having mixed emotions. Happy for the upcoming holiday season, for some downtime, but also the stress of the holidays with overeating and overspending. As well as family get-togethers that you may not want to go to because all you want to do is lie on the couch and watch movies.

(0:58 - 1:18)
Holidays shouldn't be that stressful. That's where boundaries come into effect, and that is today's topic. I am exploring what boundaries are, what their importance is, and how you can set boundaries to live a happier and more peaceful family life during the holidays and all the time.

(1:19 - 2:03)
So grab your favorite beverage, find a comfy spot, and let's dive into today's topic of setting boundaries, especially for the holidays. This is Tips for Parenting Youngsters, where I am dedicated to helping you grow as a person so you can bring your best self to parenting and create better family relationships. If you're ready to invest in yourself and strengthen your relationships, hit that subscribe button.

New episodes drop every Thursday. And if you're finding the podcast helpful, it would mean the world if you could take a moment to leave a review. It makes a real difference.

(2:08 - 2:43)
So what are boundaries? Boundaries are about setting clear expectations to create a joyful and respectful atmosphere for everyone, especially during the holidays. Boundaries make a safe and loving space where everyone knows the rules and encourages respect, understanding, and open communication. What boundaries are not is a means to be selfish, brutally honest, or rude.

(2:44 - 3:14)
Also, boundaries aren't about being rigid, unkind, or controlling. Boundaries during holidays act as guides, helping you preserve the magic of the holidays while respecting everyone's needs. They create clarity, reduce stress, and allow you to focus on what truly matters – cherished moments with loved ones.

(3:16 - 3:28)
Here are five types of boundaries for everyday living. There's physical boundaries. These involve personal space and physical touch.

(3:28 - 3:46)
For example, you can let others know if you're uncomfortable with hugs or need time alone after work. This is especially important with your kids. If they feel uncomfortable hugging a particular relative, then respect their boundary.

(3:47 - 3:59)
By respecting their boundaries, you're helping them say no later in life. Then there's emotional boundaries. Emotional boundaries protect your feelings.

(4:00 - 4:19)
This can include asking for time to process emotions or declining to discuss sensitive topics when you're not ready. During the holidays, we all have so much on our minds. If you need to take a few minutes to unwind, everyone will be better for it.

(4:21 - 4:37)
Time boundaries help you manage how you use your time. For instance, you can limit how long you spend at your in-laws' or holiday parties for self-care. Communication boundaries focus on how you interact with others.

(4:39 - 5:03)
Examples include asking for respectful language during disagreements or requesting that specific conversations occur in private. Material boundaries involve your possessions and finances. For example, you may decide not to lend items you value highly or set limits on spending within a shared budget.

(5:05 - 5:24)
This boundary is helpful for your little ones who don't want to share their new toys. The holidays can bring unique challenges, especially when navigating family dynamics, including ex-partners. Setting boundaries helps ensure you can enjoy the season peacefully.

(5:26 - 5:46)
The holidays often come with competing commitments. For example, if you're co-parenting with your ex, establish an explicit schedule for sharing time with the kids. For example, the children will spend Christmas Eve with me and Christmas Day with you.

(5:46 - 6:08)
We'll switch next year to keep things fair. Scheduling holidays prevents last-minute stress and ensures the kids feel loved by both parents. Depending on the ex's behavior, it is essential to have it in writing to avoid confusion later or if I don't remember saying that.

(6:11 - 6:32)
Emotions can run high during the holidays, particularly in blended families. And it's okay to set limits on specific topics. For instance, I'd appreciate it if we keep our conversations focused on the kids and holiday logistics rather than rehashing old arguments.

(6:34 - 6:54)
Setting limits on specific topics maintains a positive atmosphere for everyone involved. Financial strain or differing ideas about gift-giving can be a significant source of tension with an ex-partner. Communicating is vital.

(6:56 - 7:18)
You can try saying, Let's agree on a budget for the kids' gifts so they don't feel overwhelmed or get duplicate presents. A budget sets expectations and prevents unnecessary competition. If someone disrespects the gift-giving boundary, it can feel frustrating.

(7:18 - 7:38)
But there are ways to handle it calmly and effectively while maintaining the spirit of the holidays. Start by acknowledging what happened without assigning blame. For example, I noticed the gifts you gave the kids were outside the budget we agreed on.

(7:39 - 7:57)
I want to talk about this because sticking to the budget is important for everyone. Then remind them that the boundary was set to benefit everyone. You can say, The budget wasn't just about finances.

(7:57 - 8:17)
It was about keeping things simple so the kids don't feel overwhelmed or compare gifts. Then share how the situation affected you using I-statements to avoid sounding accusatory. I felt disappointed because I thought we had shared understanding.

(8:18 - 8:37)
It made me worry about how the kids might react or feel. Then focus on how to prevent similar issues in the future rather than dwelling on the current situation. Try saying, Going forward, I'd like us to stick to the agreed budget.

(8:38 - 8:58)
If you'd like to give something extra, we can discuss it beforehand. Sometimes, despite your best efforts, others will still disregard boundaries. Remind yourself that their actions reflect their choices, not your worth.

(9:00 - 9:16)
Stay firm in upholding your boundaries by reminding yourself that you communicated your needs. If they choose not to respect them, that's on them. And then adjust how you'll approach it the next time.

(9:18 - 9:40)
Setting boundaries is essential, but not everyone will respond positively to them. It's common to encounter pushback or situations where boundaries are ignored. Pushbacks happen because the person may not be used to boundaries if they've not been set before.

(9:41 - 10:01)
Other people might feel uncomfortable or defensive because your boundaries challenge their behavior. And some individuals push back intentionally to test limits or maintain control. Here's a common scenario that usually happens around the holidays.

(10:03 - 10:14)
You've set a boundary. Gift opening on Christmas morning will be a private tradition for your household. An extended family is welcome to join after breakfast.

(10:14 - 10:27)
However, a family member keeps insisting they want to be there for the gift exchange. Here's how you can respond. Restate your boundaries calmly and with kindness.

(10:29 - 10:51)
You can say, I know you'd love to be part of the gift exchange, but we've decided to keep that as a tradition for just our household. We'd love for you to come by at 10 a.m. for breakfast and spend the rest of the day with us. Also, show empathy for their disappointment without changing your plans.

(10:52 - 11:08)
Try saying, I understand it's disappointing not to be part of the gift opening. I value how much you care about sharing these moments and I appreciate your understanding. Then explain why the boundary is essential to your family.

(11:09 - 11:35)
You can say, We found that having this quiet time in the morning helps us create a special moment for the kids and makes the day feel less hectic for everyone. Then focus on your feelings and decisions rather than their actions. I need this time to feel like we're setting the tone for the holiday in a way that's meaningful for our family.

(11:35 - 11:57)
I hope you can understand that. And lastly, to avoid pushback, communicate your boundaries ahead of time. You can say, This year, we'll be opening gifts as a household in the morning and then hosting breakfast for everyone at 10 a.m. We can't wait to celebrate together.

(11:59 - 12:20)
You can uphold your boundaries by staying kind, yet firm, while making others feel acknowledged and included in the more significant celebration. But what do you do when your boundaries are ignored? Address it immediately. Calmly call out the behavior as soon as it happens.

(12:22 - 12:33)
For your kids, I noticed you used your phone during dinner, even though we agreed it would be phone free. Please put it away. Enforce consequences.

(12:35 - 12:48)
Follow through with the consequence tied to the boundary. Since you stayed past the agreed time, we'll need to set a stricter time limit. Limit your engagement.

(12:49 - 13:06)
If the behavior continues, consider limiting interactions. Try saying, I've explained my boundaries several times and I feel it's not being respected. I'll need to step away from this conversation until we can approach it calmly.

(13:07 - 13:25)
In conclusion, respecting boundaries takes time, especially if they're new. Stay consistent and firm, even when it feels challenging. People who genuinely care about you will adjust.

(13:26 - 13:45)
Boundaries will create healthier, more respectful relationships over time. And if someone continues to disregard your boundaries, it's okay to re-evaluate their role in your life. Setting boundaries isn't selfish, it's self-respect.

(13:48 - 14:03)
Thank you listeners for embarking on this journey with me today. Your time and attention are precious. And I am genuinely grateful that you chose to spend them with the Tips for Parenting Youngsters podcast.

(14:04 - 14:15)
Your support and engagement mean the world to me. Parenting is full of challenges. But remember, the most profound change starts within us.

(14:16 - 14:28)
Be the role model your children look up to. They always watch and learn from us. Visit parentingyoungsters.com for a wealth of free practical resources.

(14:28 - 14:51)
The website is designed to support you and your family in everyday parenting challenges. From tips on self-discipline and positive affirmations to various other valuable topics. Also available at lessonsforlifewithgrandmakate.com are links to purchase my children's books in a series called Lessons for Life with Grandma Kate.

(14:52 - 15:16)
Follow along as Lily, her brother Zach, and their friends, guided by Grandma Kate, discover their inner magic of self-esteem and confidence through creative activities and heartfelt lessons. Grandma Kate empowers each of them to face life challenges with courage and joy. There is always time to rewrite your family story.

(15:17 - 15:41)
Break free from patterns that no longer serve you and create a home filled with love, understanding, and unwavering support. I'm here to guide you every step of the way. As I conclude this episode, I must state that this podcast is designed solely for educational and entertainment purposes.

(15:42 - 16:09)
While I bring my experience as a parent and grandparent, it's essential that you know I am not a licensed therapist. This podcast is not a substitute for professional advice from a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Awesome! Until next time, what is one thing you are grateful for?

(Transcribed by TurboScribe.ai. Go Unlimited to remove this message.)

How to Set Healthy Boundaries With Your Ex During Holiday Break

How to Set Healthy Boundaries With Your Ex During Holiday Break

Key Points:

5 Types of Boundaries for Everyday Living

How to Set Healthy Boundaries With Your Ex During Holiday Break

The holidays can bring unique challenges, especially when navigating family dynamics, including ex-partners. Setting boundaries helps ensure you can enjoy the season peacefully.

What to Say When Someone Pushes Back on Holiday Boundaries

What to Do When Your Boundaries Are Ignored

Conclusion

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