9 Ways I Am Healing From Being The Scapegoat in My Family

What You Will Learn:

• Typical Roles in Family Systems
• The Scapegoat
• Strengths of the Scapegoat

• 9 Ways to Heal from Being The Scapegoat

Typical roles in a family system:

1. The Golden Child: The golden child is often the favourite, the one the parents are most proud of. They get a lot of praise, attention, and special treatment, but this isn’t always easy. There’s a lot of pressure to stay 'perfect,' making them anxious and scared of making mistakes. As adults, golden children find it hard to accept mistakes and struggle with setting boundaries because they’re used to pleasing others.
2. The Enabler: The enabler supports and defends the confrontational parent, often justifying their actions and helping keep family secrets. The enabler makes excuses for the adversarial parent’s behaviour and even feels responsible for maintaining the family running smoothly. Often, this is the other parent, but it can also be an older sibling or another family member.
3. The Lost Child: To avoid conflict or attention, the lost child retreats into their own world. They find solace in solitary activities, deepening their sense of isolation. The lack of attention, whether positive or negative, from the family leaves them feeling neglected and disconnected. Staying in the background can lead to feeling invisible or unimportant. Lost children struggle with social skills and connecting with others as adults. They also avoid conflict or need help asking for what they need, making it hard to have close relationships.
4. The Mascot: The mascot, often the family jester, uses humour or charm to lighten the mood and deflect from the family’s problems. However, beneath the facade of playfulness, they often hide deep feelings of insecurity and sadness. Their role as a 'distraction' can be a heavy burden. As adults, mascots might avoid serious conversations and hide their real feelings, making it hard for them to open up or feel understood.

The Scapegoat

The scapegoat is the most common family role. The antagonistic parent or siblings blames the scapegoated child for any problems or issues in the family and often criticizes or belittles them. In narcissistic families, the scapegoat bears the brunt of gaslighting and invalidation. I talked about gaslighting in last week's episode. They are labelled the “problem child” and tend to receive more negative attention than other children in the family. 

Being blamed for family problems hurts the scapegoat's self-esteem and creates guilt and shame in the scapegoated child. Due to the manipulation, rage, and emotional and physical abuse, the scapegoated child is affected with anxiety, depression, chronic self-doubt, self-blame, low self-esteem, daily thoughts of not feeling good enough, and poor coping strategies such as emotional eating and shopping. 

Scapegoats sell themselves short throughout their lives because when they live in their family of origin and share their goals and dreams, others in the family ask them, “Who do you think you are?” Even today, as I work on this episode, I can still hear my mother’s and brother’s voices saying those exact words in my mind. 

Strengths of the Scapegoat

Stand up for the unfairly treated. Scapegoats often become strong, independent people aware of injustice by standing up for others. It is my mission with this podcast to bring awareness to younger adult children than me with similar experiences in their families of origin to begin the process of healing from generational abuse.

We are empathic. An empath is someone who understands and feels what other people are going through. Empaths sense other people's emotions, like happiness, sadness, or anger, almost as if they are feeling them themselves. They are often very caring and compassionate, wanting to help others feel better. 

9 Ways to Heal from Being The Scapegoat

1. Turn to My Higher Power 

• I keep returning to the same Bible verse: “Be still and know that I am God.” During times of overwhelm, I take a walk in nature by myself. In the quietness, I hear that inner voice that speaks to me about my next step. It’s a time to clear my head and think things through. It has always been that way for me. 

2. Acknowledging My Feelings and Experiences

• Another step toward healing is acknowledging the pain and radically accepting what happened. I am recognizing and validating my experiences as the scapegoat and accepting that my feelings are accurate and that what I went through was traumatic. I have accepted what happened to me and that the other family members will not change, and there is no amount of change that I can do to make things better with them. 

3. Establish a Sense of Safety and Security

• I surround myself with people who make me feel safe and supported and who can provide me with a safe space to express myself without judgment. Knowing that I have people who genuinely support me is essential for building my confidence and feeling secure.

4. Set Healthy Boundaries

• Boundaries help protect my energy and give me more control over my life. Setting new and healthier boundaries is crucial for my healing because I’ve been used to taking the blame and being the punching bag for other people’s emotions. I am learning to say no when something feels uncomfortable or unfair and clarify what I will and won’t accept. 

5. Work on Building Self-Confidence

• I am recognizing my strengths and unique qualities. I celebrate small accomplishments and remind myself of the positive traits that being a scapegoat has helped me develop, like resilience, empathy, and independence. 

6. Replace Unhealthy Habits with Self-Kindness and Self-Awareness

• I am paying attention to negative habits or thoughts that may have developed from mistreatment, like self-criticism or people-pleasing. I am working on replacing these with kindness toward myself by practicing positive self-talk, spending time on hobbies I enjoy, and taking time each day for self-care.

7. Reframe and Release Past Hurt

• I am reflecting on my past experiences without letting them define me. I am journaling and speaking with a therapist who can help me make sense of my role as the scapegoat in the family. I recognize that I am not responsible for others’ behaviours today or in the past, and I am beginning to let go of the guilt and shame I carry.

8. Build a Strong Sense of Self-Identity

• I am exploring who I am outside my family role, past and present. I am discovering new interests like puzzles, goals like my children’s and passions. The more I know myself, the stronger my sense of self becomes, and the less likely I am to be influenced by others’ opinions or expectations.

9.  Grieving and Forgiving—For Myself 

I am allowing myself to grieve the little girl who wanted nothing more than to be loved for who she was. I am grieving the regrets of what my life could have been, what I could have achieved, and the time lost. I am grieving the injustices, realizing that my healing will be more complex because of the lack of justice. Some days, the grief is intense. I notice where it is in my body because way too many times in the past, I felt the pain and ignored it. Now, the pain will be my red flag, to trust my gut.

I am not staying stuck in that grief but forgiving myself. Forgiveness doesn’t mean excusing the toxic behaviour I experienced but rather freeing myself from resentment and anger. Saying to myself, “it wasn’t me,”  “it wasn’t my fault,” “I was manipulated.” I forgive myself for self-blame and past mistakes because I didn’t know better. I forgive myself for all the times I became unhinged because of the gaslighting I have experienced throughout my life. I

I will end with a quote from Rumi, “The wound is the place where the light enters you.”

                                                    Change begins with ourselves!

To learn more about Cathy or FREE DOWNLOADABLE RESOURCES, check out parentingyoungsters.com

Children’s Books: Finding Lily’s Inner Magic: A Tale of Building Confidence

                                Lily’s Journey to Forgiveness: Letting Go of Hurt and Anger

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The Tips for Parenting Youngsters Podcast and content posted by Cathy Barker is presented solely for general information, educational, and entertainment purposes. The use of information on this podcast or materials linked from this podcast or website is at the user’s own risk. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional, diagnosis, or treatment. Users should not disregard or delay in obtaining medical advice for any medical or mental health condition they may have. They should seek the assistance of their healthcare professional for any such conditions.