Lying vs Gaslighting: Know the Difference

October 31, 2024

What is Gaslighting? 5 Ways To Empower Yourself and Heal

Here is What You Will Learn:

What is Gaslighting?
6 Steps of Gaslighting
Why Does Someone Gaslight
Lying vs. Gaslighting
5 Ways To Empower Yourself and Heal

As a warning, this episode might be triggering. Also, as a disclaimer, this episode is for educational and entertainment purposes only. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional, diagnosis, or treatment. Got it? Awesome.

What is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting comes from the 1938 play Gas Light by British playwright Patrick Hamilton. In the story, a husband manipulates his vulnerable wife into thinking she’s losing her mind. He secretly dims the gas lights in their home, and when she notices and questions it, he insists that she's imagining it. This deceit makes her doubt her perceptions and reality.

The play became widely known after it was adapted into two films in the 1940s, especially the 1944 version starring Ingrid Bergman. Since then, "gaslighting" has come to describe any form of psychological manipulation.

Psychological manipulation occurs when someone tries to control or influence how you think, feel, or act without you noticing. Gaslighters question events, behaviours, and words you say and invalidate or deny your emotions.

They do this to get what they want, even if it’s not good for you. The manipulator uses tricks to make you feel confused, guilty, or unsure of yourself, so you go along with what they want. These manipulations are not one-time events but happen numerous times within a relationship over a long period. Eventually, the gaslighted person doubts their experiences and judgements and questions their memory.

In simpler terms, gaslighting is when someone chooses to control or have power over a person, which happens over an extended period. The strategies of abuse are deflection from their behaviours to yours, denial, withholding - the silent treatment, dismissing, lying and questioning the victim’s memory.

Ultimate phrases of a gaslighter are; “I’m just kidding,” You’re too sensitive,” and “Can’t you take a joke.” Gaslighting doesn’t just make you question the event itself. It makes you question everything.

6 Steps of Gaslighting

According to Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist, gaslighting is a complex process that happens over time. Here are the steps:

Step 1. The person gaslighting you takes advantage of your trust in them, whether a parent, a family member, a spouse, or a boss. It is a relationship that matters to you, and you trust them.

Step 2. The gaslighter denies your instincts, perception, and judgement of the situation, saying, “I didn’t get that text,” or “I don’t remember you saying that.”

Step 3. This is when the gaslighter hits home by questioning your mental stability. They convince you that there is something wrong with you. “Your crazy,” or “There is something wrong with your memory.” They start convincing you that there is something wrong with you in such a way that makes sense. They also invalidate your feelings, saying you have no right to feel that way and making them judge and jury.

Step 4. They repeat this process until you start to doubt yourself, “Did I really say that?” or “Did that really happen?” You become dependent on their reality because you doubt your own.

Step 5. The gaslighted person has been gaslit so many times they give in to the gaslighter’s reality. Ultimately, gaslighting is a brainwashing process. You lose the sense of you. Who you are and what you are to the world.

Possible Step 6. The person being gaslit begins to doubt themselves, self-gaslighting, “Maybe I am too sensitive.” “I need to be stronger.” “I am dumb.” “I better double and triple-check myself because my memory isn’t the best.”

Self-gaslighting also appeases the emotionally abusive person in that the gaslighter gets to keep their power, but their victim avoids the rage from them. Self-gaslighting is a byproduct of being gaslit so many times you do it without even thinking, which slowly erodes your self-esteem and self-worth.

Why Does Someone Gaslight

People gaslight for different reasons but usually want control or power over someone else. Here are a few other reasons why someone gaslights:

To Avoid Blame: They want to avoid taking responsibility for their actions, making others doubt their memories or feelings.
To Feel Powerful: To feel in control and more powerful by confusing others or making them question themselves.
To Protect Their Lies: They gaslight others to hide their lies, making it harder for anyone to figure out the truth.
To Make You Dependent: When people feel confused or unsure of themselves, they depend more on the person gaslighting them. This dependency makes it easier for the gaslighter to get what they want.

Lying vs. Gaslighting

Lying

When someone lies, they’re simply saying something untrue. For example, you text your friend about meeting up at the mall. They reply, “Sure, I’ll be there at 4, but don’t show up and lie about why they didn’t. Their kid was sick or whatever. They’re lying to avoid getting in trouble. They aren’t saying they didn’t get the text, nor do they make judgments on your mental stability.

Gaslighting

Gaslighting, however, is when someone not only lies but also tries to make you doubt what you know or feel to control or confuse you. Using the example just given, you text your friend about meeting up at the mall. They reply, “Sure, I’ll be there at 4.”

Later, when they don’t show up, you ask why they didn’t come. If they say, “I never agreed to meet you,” and ignore the text you show them as proof, that’s gaslighting. They’re not only lying, but also trying to make you doubt your memory and question what happened. Even with proof, a gaslighter will not take responsibility.

So, lying is just telling something untrue, while gaslighting tries to make you doubt your memory, feelings, or reality on purpose to keep control or avoid blame.

5 Ways To Empower Yourself and Heal

If you've been gaslit, protecting your feelings and self-worth is vital. Here are some steps you can take to help you feel empowered and certain:

Trust Your Feelings: Remind yourself that your feelings, memories, and thoughts are real and valid. Don’t let anyone make you doubt yourself. Whatever you do, do not say anything to the person who is gaslighting you by calling them out on gaslighting. Do not engage anymore with that person. If you engage, they will keep at you until you look unhinged. You can simply say, “We are having a different experience,” and leave it at that.
Write Down What Happened: Journaling events, conversations, or how you felt can help you remember what happened, even if someone else tries to twist the truth later. Journaling what happens is extremely helpful in a work environment.
Talk to People You Trust: Share your experience with friends, family, or a teacher you trust. They can support you, help you feel understood, and confirm your reality.
Take a Step Back: Distance yourself from the person gaslighting you. Spending time away from them can give you space to feel more in control and sure of yourself.
Seek Help if Needed: If the gaslighting has affected your self-esteem or mental health, talking to a counsellor or therapist is essential. They can guide you on ways to feel confident and strong again.

I am sharing with you today about gaslighting to bring awareness to this topic because it is becoming too prevalent in today’s society. My hope is that, with awareness, we can begin to stop the cycle of abuse. If you suspect you are a victim of gaslighting, do yourself a favour and learn more about the subject and or find a counsellor who is familiar with it.

Conclusion

In conclusion, gaslighting involves one person attempting to gain control or power over another through repeated, manipulative tactics over time. These abusive strategies can include shifting the focus from their actions to yours, outright denial, ignoring or refusing to communicate (such as through silent treatment), downplaying or minimizing your feelings, lying, and questioning your memory. These methods make the victim doubt their reality and feel less confident in their perceptions.

Be aware of the signs and typical phrases they use to question your mental stability, such as, “I’m just kidding,” or “can’t you take a joke.” When we have been gaslit, we feel it in our body, so pay attention. Most importantly, limit your engagement because the gaslighter wants a reaction from you to make you appear loony and mentally unstable. “Remember, no one has the power to make you doubt your own reality. Trust in yourself, for that is where true freedom begins.”

Change begins with ourselves!

To learn more about Cathy or FREE DOWNLOADABLE RESOURCES, check out parentingyoungsters.com

Children’s Books: Finding Lily’s Inner Magic: A Tale of Building Confidence

Lily’s Journey to Forgiveness: Letting Go of Hurt and Anger

Follow Cathy:

Instagram: - https://www.instagram.com/parenting_youngsters/

Facebook: - https://www.facebook.com/tipsforparentingyoungsters

DISCLAIMER

The Tips for Parenting Youngsters Podcast and content posted by Cathy Barker is presented solely for general information, educational, and entertainment purposes. The use of information on this podcast or materials linked from this podcast or website is at the user’s own risk. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional, diagnosis, or treatment. Users should not disregard or delay in obtaining medical advice for any medical or mental health condition they may have. They should seek the assistance of their healthcare professional for any such conditions.

Episode Transcript

(Transcribed by TurboScribe.ai. Go Unlimited to remove this message.)

(0:14 - 0:43)
Have you ever been gaslighted? I have, and didn't know what was happening to me. It started in my family growing up, probably because I was the scapegoat. As a result, for most of my life, I've experienced low self-esteem and self-worth, making me vulnerable to others, such as coworkers, bosses, and friends to also gaslight me.

(0:45 - 1:04)
Now, I want to raise awareness so you can recognize the signs and cope better. As a warning, this episode might be triggering. Also, as a disclaimer, this episode is for educational and entertainment purposes only.

(1:06 - 1:31)
It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional, diagnosis, or treatment. Got it? Awesome. So, grab your favorite beverage, find a comfy spot, and let's dive in today's topic of gaslighting.

(1:32 - 1:52)
This is Tips for Parenting Youngsters, where I'm dedicated to helping you grow so you can bring your best self to parenting and create better family relationships. If you're ready to invest in yourself, hit that subscribe button. New episodes drop every Thursday.

(1:54 - 2:15)
And if you're finding the podcast helpful, it would mean the world if you could take a moment to leave a review. It makes a real difference. Gaslighting comes from the 1938 play Gaslight by British playwright Patrick Hamilton.

(2:16 - 2:38)
In the story, a husband manipulates his vulnerable wife into thinking she's losing her mind. He secretly dims the gaslights in their home, and when she notices and questions it, he insists that she's imagining it. This deceit makes her doubt her perceptions and reality.

(2:39 - 3:12)
The play became widely known after it was adapted into two films in the 1940s, especially the 1944 version starring Ingrid Bergman. Since then, gaslighting has come to describe any form of psychological manipulation. Psychological manipulation occurs when someone tries to control or influence how you think, feel, or act without you noticing.

(3:14 - 3:40)
Gaslighters question events, behaviors, and words you say, and invalidate or deny your emotions. They do this to get what they want, even if it's not good for you. The manipulator uses tricks to make you feel confused, guilty, or unsure of yourself, so you go along with what they want.

(3:41 - 4:13)
These manipulations are not one-time events, but happen numerous times within a relationship over a long period. Eventually, the gaslighted person doubts their experiences and judgments, and questions their memory. In simpler terms, gaslighting is when someone chooses to control or have power over a person, which happens over an extended period.

(4:14 - 5:27)
The strategies of abuse are deflection from their behaviors to yours, denial, withholding to silent treatment, dismissing, lying, and questioning the victim's memory. For example, if you tell a friend that they hurt your feelings and they say, you're being too sensitive, or that never happened, they are gaslighting you. They're trying to make you question your own experience or feelings, so you end up doubting yourself.

Ultimate phrases of a gaslighter are, I'm just kidding, you're too sensitive, and can't you take a joke? Gaslighting doesn't just make you question the event itself, it makes you question everything. According to Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist, gaslighting is a complex process that happens over time. Here are the steps.

(5:28 - 6:02)
Step 1. The person gaslighting you takes advantage of your trust in them, whether a parent, a family member, a spouse, or a boss. It is a relationship that matters to you, and you trust them. In step 2, the gaslighter denies your instincts, perception, and judgment of the situation, saying, no, I didn't get that text, or I don't remember saying that.

(6:04 - 7:00)
Step 3 is when the gaslighter hits home by questioning your mental stability. They convince you that there is something wrong with you, you're crazy, or there is something wrong with your memory. They start convincing you that there is something wrong with you in such a way that makes sense.

They also invalidate your feelings, saying you have no right to feel that way, and making them judge and jury. Step 4. They repeat this process until you start to doubt yourself. Uh, did I really say that? Or, huh, did that really happen? You become dependent on their reality because you doubt your own.

(7:02 - 8:04)
Step 5. The gaslighted person has been gaslit so many times they give in to the gaslighter's reality. Ultimately, gaslighting is a brainwashing process. You lose the sense of you, who you are, and what you are to the world.

And there's also a possible step 6. The person being gaslit begins to doubt themselves so much they self-gaslight. Maybe I am too sensitive. I need to be stronger.

I am dumb. Huh, I better double and triple check myself because my memory isn't the best. Self-gaslighting also appeases the emotionally abusive person in that the gaslighter gets to their power, but their victim avoids the rage from them.

(8:06 - 8:29)
Self-gaslighting is a byproduct of being gaslit so many times you do it without even thinking, which slowly erodes your self-esteem and self-worth. People gaslight for different reasons, but usually want control or power over someone else. Here are a few other reasons why someone gaslights.

(8:31 - 9:26)
To avoid blame. They want to avoid taking responsibility for their actions, making others doubt their memories or feelings. To feel powerful.

To feel in control and more powerful by confusing others or making them question themselves. And third, to protect their lies. They gaslight others to hide their lies, making it harder for anyone to figure out the truth and to make you dependent on them.

When people feel confused or unsure of themselves, they depend more on the person gaslighting them. This dependency makes it easier for the gaslighter to get what they want. There is a distinction between lying and gaslighting.

(9:27 - 9:50)
When someone lies, they're simply saying something untrue. For example, you text your friend about meeting up at the mall. They reply, sure, I'll be there at four.

But don't show up and lie about why they didn't. Their kid was sick or whatever. They're lying to avoid getting into trouble.

(9:51 - 11:39)
They aren't saying they didn't get the text, nor do they make judgments on your mental stability. Gaslighting, however, is when someone not only lies, but also tries to make you doubt what you know or feel to control or confuse you. Using the example just given, you text your friend about meeting up at the mall.

They reply, sure, I'll be there at four. Later, when they don't show up, you ask why they didn't come. If they say, I never agreed to meet you, and ignore the text you show them as proof, that's gaslighting.

They're not only lying, but also trying to make you doubt your memory and question what happened. Even with proof, a gaslighter will not take responsibility. So lying is just telling something untrue, while gaslighting tries to make you doubt your memory, feelings or reality on purpose to keep control or avoid blame.

If you've been gaslit, protecting your feelings and self-worth is vital. Here are some steps you can take to help you feel empowered and certain. Trust your feelings.

Remind yourself that your feelings, memories and thoughts are real and valid. Don't let anyone make you doubt yourself. Whatever you do, do not say anything to the person who is gaslighting you by calling them out on gaslighting.

(11:40 - 11:57)
Do not engage anymore with that person. If you engage, they will keep at you until you look unhinged. You can simply say, we are having a different experience and leave it at that.

(11:59 - 17:08)
Write down what happened. Journaling events, conversations or how you felt can help you remember what happened, even if someone else tries to twist the truth later. Journaling what happens is extremely helpful in a work environment.

Talk to people you trust. Share your experience with friends, family or a teacher you trust. They can support you, help you feel understood and confirm your reality.

Take a step back. Distance yourself from the person gaslighting you. Spending time away from them can give you space to feel more in control and sure of yourself and seek help if needed.

If the gaslighting has affected your self-esteem or mental health, talking to a counselor or therapist is essential. They can guide you on ways to feel confident and strong again. I am sharing with you today about gaslighting to bring awareness to this topic because it is becoming too prevalent in today's society.

My hope is that with awareness we can begin to stop the cycle of abuse. If you suspect you are a victim of gaslighting, do yourself a favor and learn more about the subject and or find a counselor who is familiar with it. In conclusion, gaslighting involves one person attempting to gain control or power over another through repeated manipulative tactics over time.

These abusive strategies can include shifting the focus from their actions to yours, outright denial, ignoring or refusing to communicate such as through silent treatment, downplaying or minimizing your feelings, lying and questioning your memory. These methods make the victim doubt their reality and feel less confident in their perceptions. Be aware of the signs and typical phrases they use to question your mental stability such as, I'm just kidding or can't you take a joke.

When we have been gaslit, we feel it in our body, so pay attention. Most importantly, limit your engagement because the gaslighter wants a reaction from you to make you appear loony and mentally unstable. Remember, no one has the power to make you doubt your own reality.

Trust in yourself for that is where true freedom begins. Thank you listeners for embarking on this journey with me today. Your time and attention are precious and I am genuinely grateful that you chose to spend them with the Tips for Parenting Youngsters podcast.

Your support and engagement mean the world to me. Parenting is full of challenges, but remember the most profound change starts within us. Be the role model your children look up to.

They always watch and learn from us. Visit parentingyoungsters.com for a wealth of free practical resources. The website is designed to support you and your family in your everyday parenting challenges.

From tips on self discipline and positive affirmations to various other valuable topics. Also available at lessons for life with grandma kate.com are links to purchase my children's books. There is always time to rewrite your family story.

Break free from patterns that no longer serve you and create a home filled with love, understanding and unwavering support. I'm here to guide you every step of the way. As I conclude this episode I must state that this podcast is designed solely for educational and entertainment purposes.

While I bring my experience as a parent and grandparent it's essential that you know I am not a licensed therapist. This podcast is not a substitute for professional advice from a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist or other qualified professional. Got it? Awesome! Until next time, what is one thing you are grateful for?