3 Powerful Ways to Help Your Child Heal from the Pain of Abandonment

What You Will Learn:

• Effects of Low Self-esteem 
• Building Self-esteem
• Building Self-confidence
• Building Self-worth
• The Difference Between Self-confidence, Self-worth and Self-esteem
• What Not to Say To Your Child

What do you say to a six, ten, or fourteen-year-old when a parent doesn’t show up? What is this doing to our children? What can we do as parents to minimize the long-term effects on our children who a parent rejects? 

Effects of Low Self-esteem

Children with low self-esteem doubt their worth and struggle with anxiety, depression, or feelings of helplessness. They shy away from new experiences or avoid taking risks because they fear they won’t succeed. Fear of succeeding leads to a cycle of negative thinking, where they see themselves as unworthy of love and happiness. 

As they grow into adulthood, these patterns affect their relationships, career choices, and mental health. Building healthy self-esteem in childhood is crucial because it lays the groundwork for a happy, fulfilling life, allowing your youngsters to recognize their value and navigate the world with confidence and self-assurance.

When a parent consistently fails to provide emotional support, a child may feel unloved or unworthy. They often ask themselves, “Why am I not good enough?” or “What did I do wrong?” Even though the abandonment isn’t the child's fault, they blame themselves because children tend to see the world as revolving around them. They think that if their parent doesn’t want to be with them, something must be wrong with them. These feelings develop into low self-esteem, where the child believes they aren’t deserving of love, success, or happiness.

Children who grow up feeling rejected or abandoned by a parent carry this emotional baggage into adulthood. As adults, they continue to struggle with feelings of self-doubt and insecurity. They have trouble forming close relationships because they fear being rejected again. Some become overly dependent on others for approval and validation, constantly seeking reassurance that they are worthy of love. 

Others push people away, afraid of getting too close, because they’ve learned to expect disappointment or abandonment. This leads to issues with trust, intimacy, and healthy communication in relationships, as well as a general sense of anxiety and depression.

A child with low self-esteem caused by a parent’s rejection struggles with self-confidence. They struggle to assert their needs in relationships and have difficulty accepting praise or success. These patterns limit their potential and affect their overall well-being.

Building Self-esteem

Self-esteem is the foundation of how we see ourselves and interact with the world. It influences our confidence, decision-making, and overall well-being. When children have healthy self-esteem, they believe in their abilities and feel secure in their worth, which helps them face challenges and setbacks. They are likelier to take on new experiences, make friends, and pursue their passions without fear of failure or rejection. 

High self-esteem also helps children develop a strong sense of identity and personal values, which guides them in making positive choices as they grow. 

Building Self-confidence

Self-confidence is the trust in our abilities and decisions. It helps our children to feel equipped to face challenges, explore new opportunities, and make choices. When kids possess confidence, they are more inclined to venture outside their comfort zones, chase their goals, and manage obstacles.

Building self-confidence in your children when a parent rejects them or doesn’t show up for a scheduled weekend is about helping them believe in their value despite the hurt they feel. One of the most important ways to boost their self-confidence is by celebrating their resilience and strength during challenging moments. When we acknowledge and validate our children for handling disappointment, even when they feel hurt, we teach them that their feelings are valid and that setbacks don’t define their worth. Encouraging them to express their emotions and keep going despite the pain shows them that they are strong and capable, and this helps build their confidence over time.

Another key to building self-confidence in these situations is empowering children to take control of what they can. Whether it’s letting them choose an activity to help distract them or allowing them to express how they feel, these moments show them that their choices matter and that they have power over their own experiences. 

Helping them set small goals to move through challenging feelings and praising their efforts when they do can rebuild trust in their abilities. Most importantly, being a consistent, loving, and supportive presence helps children feel secure in knowing they are valued, no matter who does or doesn’t show up. This teaches them to believe in themselves, even when others disappoint them. 

Building Self-worth

Self-worth is how much we believe we matter and have value. That we have a place. It’’s the feeling we have about ourselves that we are treasured just for being who we are, not because of what we do, have, or what others think of us. 

When kids have self-worth, they feel good about themselves, even when they mess up and make mistakes or when someone else doesn’t treat them nicely. Self-worth helps our kids stay confident and strong, especially when they feel abandoned or rejected by a parent. As caregivers, we must let our kids know they are cherished because they exist. 

When a parent consistently doesn’t show up for important events like a hockey game, a gymnastics competition, or a scheduled visitation, it creates deep emotional scars for a child. Kids naturally look to their parents for validation and love, so when they experience repeated disappointment shakes their sense of self-worth. They internalize the absence, questioning whether they deserve attention or love. During these times, it's crucial to step in and help your child understand that their mother or father’s absence is not a reflection of who they are.

To help your child grasp this, you can start by acknowledging their feelings. It’s important to say, “I understand you’re feeling sad, angry, or disappointed, and that’s okay.” Validating their emotions helps them feel seen and heard, which is essential in rebuilding their sense of self-worth. 

Then, it’s vital to gently explain that the parent’s absence is due to circumstances that have nothing to do with the child’s value. You might say, “Sometimes adults make choices or face situations that stop them from being here, but that has nothing to do with you. You didn’t do anything wrong. You are important and loved, just as you are.”

This is where the deeper work begins—teaching children that their worth is independent of anyone else’s actions or approval. One way to do this is by reinforcing that their value comes from within. You can say, “What makes you special isn’t whether someone is in the stands cheering for you or whether they show up every time. It’s your kindness, your effort, your courage, and your uniqueness that make you valuable.” It’s about shifting their focus from seeking external validation to building internal confidence and self-love. Over time, they can learn that while it’s lovely to have support, it’s not what defines them.

You can also help your child focus on their strengths and achievements, especially when they’ve felt proud of themselves. Encourage them to reflect on their progress in sports, school, or other activities and celebrate their efforts and resilience. For example, you might say, “Look at how hard you’ve practiced and how far you’ve come. That’s something to be proud of, and it’s all because of your dedication.”

It's also essential to teach them about emotional boundaries—explaining that while it’s natural to feel hurt when someone lets them down, it’s important not to let that hurt define how they see themselves. You can help them recognize, “You are allowed to feel sad, but don’t let it make you believe that you’re less important. Your worth doesn’t depend on whether someone else is there; it’s something you carry inside you.”

By fostering this understanding, you guide your children toward emotional resilience and independence. They learn that while other people’s choices can affect them, those choices do not dictate their self-worth. This lesson helps them grow into confident, self-assured adults capable of setting healthy boundaries in relationships. They’ll know they deserve love, respect, and kindness, regardless of whether someone else shows up or follows through. Teaching this lesson early gives them the emotional tools to face life’s disappointments while holding onto their sense of value and self-love.

The Difference Between Self-esteem, Self-confidence and Self-worth

Self-esteem refers to how much we value and appreciate ourselves overall. It’s shaped by our experiences, relationships, and how we believe others perceive us. High self-esteem means you have a favourable view of yourself, while low self-esteem can make you feel inadequate or unworthy.

Self-confidence is believing in your ability to succeed in specific tasks or situations. A child may feel confident when playing sports or solving a math problem because they trust their skills in those areas. Self-confidence can vary from one area of life to another, depending on how capable we feel in each situation.

Self-worth is a deep understanding that you are valuable simply because you exist. It’s not dependent on achievements, skills, or the opinions of others. While self-confidence may fluctuate and life experiences can influence self-esteem, self-worth remains constant—it’s the inner belief that you deserve love, respect, and happiness, no matter what.

What Not to Say To Your Child

When a parent rejects their child, how we respond can have a lasting impact on the child’s emotional health and self-esteem. One of the most harmful things you can do is to downplay their pain or brush it off with phrases like, "It’s not a big deal" or "You’re better off without them." While these statements may come from a desire to protect the child, they can make them feel like their emotions aren’t valid, leaving them to process their hurt alone. Children need to know it’s okay to feel sad, confused, or angry when they experience rejection from a parent.

It’s also important to avoid blaming the child in any way, either directly or indirectly. Saying things like, "Maybe if you behaved better, they’d show up," or "You must have done something to upset them," can deeply damage a child’s sense of self-worth. Even subtle comments that suggest they could have done something differently place the responsibility for the parent’s behaviour on your child, which is unfair and harmful. Children need to hear that rejection is not their fault and that nothing they’ve done makes them unworthy of love or attention.

Additionally, while it can be tempting to speak negatively about the absent parent, especially if you feel hurt or frustrated on your child’s behalf, doing so can lead to more confusion and emotional distress. Your child may feel torn between loyalty to both parents or guilt for still wanting a relationship with the absent parent. Instead, focus on reassuring the child that they are loved and their value comes from within—not from whether someone else shows up. By listening to their feelings, validating their emotions, and offering unconditional support, you help them heal from the pain of rejection without adding to their emotional burden.

Conclusion

Navigating the emotional landscape of rejection and disappointment is always challenging for our children, especially from someone they love. As caregivers, we have the power to nurture their self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-worth, helping them understand that the actions of others do not define their value. By acknowledging their feelings, reinforcing their inherent worth, and celebrating their strengths, we can empower them to build a strong sense of self-worth against life's challenges.

Remember, it’s essential to listen to your child's emotions without judgment, validate their experiences, and guide them toward recognizing their unique qualities and capabilities. As they learn to navigate their feelings of rejection, they can develop the inner strength to face future disappointments without losing sight of their self-worth.

In times of hurt, be the lighthouse that guides them through the storm, just as Gramma Kate does for Lily in Lily's Journey to Forgiveness: Letting Go of Hurt and Anger. By equipping our children with the tools to understand their value, we can help them flourish into confident, self-assured individuals ready to embrace life's journey with courage and hope.

                                               Change begins with ourselves!

To learn more about Cathy or FREE DOWNLOADABLE RESOURCES, check out parentingyoungsters.com

Children’s Books: Finding Lily’s Inner Magic: A Tale of Building Confidence

                                Lily’s Journey to Forgiveness: Letting Go of Hurt and Anger - Coming Oct 8th!

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The Tips for Parenting Youngsters Podcast and content posted by Cathy Barker is presented solely for general information, educational, and entertainment purposes. The use of information on this podcast or materials linked from this podcast or website is at the user’s own risk. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional, diagnosis, or treatment. Users should not disregard or delay in obtaining medical advice for any medical or mental health condition they may have. They should seek the assistance of their healthcare professional for any such conditions.