My Journey to Discovering Self-Worth
How to Unlock Your Inner Strength: My Journey to Discovering Self-Worth
"You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think," says Christopher Robins to Winnie the Pooh. Christopher Robins is talking to Winnie the Pooh about self-worth, which is today’s topic.
Self-worth means knowing and feeling valuable and deserving of love, respect, and happiness just because you're you. It's firmly believing in yourself, accepting who you are, and recognizing your unique qualities, even if others don't see them. It's about feeling good on the inside, no matter what happens on the outside.
Up until my sixty-fifth birthday, I struggled profoundly with my self-worth, constantly seeking validation through pleasing others. I lived a life shaped by the needs and expectations of those around me, especially my mother. I sacrificed my desires and needs to cater to others. But in doing so, I lost sight of myself. Every attempt to prioritize my happiness was met with accusations of selfishness and unkindness.
My mother raised me to look after her needs and listen to her problems. If I asked for help or support, I was told I was selfish and unkind. I was raised where love was conditional. I remember this one day when I asked for my Mom’s help. She looked directly at me, pointed her finger and said in an angry tone, “And what are you going to do for me.” From that day forward, I stopped asking anyone for help.
Yet, even when everything was hard, I still believed in something bigger than myself. I wasn't into religion, but I knew a powerful force existed. When I felt sad or scared, I'd ask for help, hoping to find peace amid all the chaos and turmoil around me.
At the age of eighteen, I married my husband. I went from looking after my mother's and siblings' needs to my husband’s. Again, I put my needs on the back burner because I didn’t want to come across as selfish.
I had three children by the age of twenty-five. Now, I had more needs to fulfill by raising them. I felt guilty when I needed a mental health break. Or when I spent money on myself for a manicure that would make me feel good. I didn’t have anyone telling me to look after myself.
And then, suddenly, our kids were moved out, building their lives and having children. They are at an age where being with their friends is more cool. They don’t want to hang out with their parents or grandparents. I get it, and I bless them every day. But I found myself with all this time and thinking about everything I hadn’t done. That is where I found myself on my sixty-fifth birthday. I didn’t want to die with regrets.
I have been aware of wanting to be a better person my whole life, maybe because others quickly pointed out my faults. So, I spent years and years doing self-help courses but getting the same results. I was still a people pleaser. I still had anxiety and bouts of depression and overwhelm. I didn’t want to be on my deathbed with regrets that I hadn’t started that podcast; I didn’t take that trip alone to empower myself.
And so I made a decision. I was going to be selfish. If that is what people wanted to think, so be it. I was going to put the oxygen mask on myself. And get the oxygen and chi energy flowing through my body to help me. I didn't want to live with anxiety or depression for the rest of my life. I didn’t want to die with regrets.
So, the first thing I decided to do was look after my health. I decided to spend money on a physical exam. And that was the beginning of a change in my life. I am an emotional eater. If I am happy, I turn to food. If I am sad or tired, I turn to food. And I wanted to stop that negative pattern, but I didn’t know how. I didn’t have the tools. That wasn’t in any of the courses that I had taken.
To make a difference in your life, a real difference, you have to heal and work on yourself to break the chains of patterns of negative behaviour. And so, because I was an emotional eater, I signed up for a behavioural modification program with a doctor and registered nutritionist.
I lost eighteen pounds. I felt great. Ah, it was beautiful. But you know what, nobody said a darn thing, not one person. But as I kept moving forward, I figured out something important: I was only doing well because I wanted others to notice and praise me. I wanted them to say I was doing a good job and thought that's how I could feel good about myself. Without the praise, I doubted myself again and fell back into old habits. However, this time, this time was different. I had new people in my life.
And that was another thing I changed. The changes were subtle at first. Instead of doing the same old things, I tried something new, which was terrific. I started to get out in nature, which made me feel happy. I rekindled my relationship with my Higher Power.
Reiki, something I stopped doing before, called me back because it promised spiritual healing and renewal. I started learning about it again, seeking that special connection I had when I was younger.
When I practiced Reiki, I felt something change deep inside me. It was like I found a part of myself again and remembered how amazing the world can be.
And OH, the magic within started happening even more. As I reconnected to my higher self, negative people in my life drifted away. I didn’t stay loyal to people who constantly hurt me or didn’t match my values. It was challenging initially because I was raised not to hurt other people’s feelings. No, it’s okay for them to hurt me, but I am not to hurt other people.
Again, my self-worth was emotionally beaten out of me. Because I was supposed to be there for other people, but they were not there for me. But now I found the courage to stand up for myself. In doing so, I started to discover myself more and empower myself.
Who is Cathy? What is she like? What does she like to do? How does she want to spend her money? What brings her value?
I was learning who I was. Not as a daughter, wife, mother, or grandmother. But me as a person. And suddenly, the information from all my courses started spewing out of me. Because I guess I was taking the information in but hadn’t acted on it. At the time, they were a dopamine fix.
I discovered food was my dopamine fix, and books and courses were my dopamine fix. It made me feel good when there was a delivery at my door. But now I was looking at these things differently. I started learning other ways to make myself feel good.
As I embarked on my journey of self-discovery, positive affirmations became my daily ritual, a commitment to believing in myself and my worthiness. I recognized the necessity of affirming my values and embracing the truth that I deserved happiness and abundance. Through this practice, I internalized a newfound sense of self-belief, which paved the way for profound transformation.
As I embraced self-love, I witnessed shifts in my relationships. As mentioned, some people naturally drifted away as our values diverged, but I found peace knowing that love remained, albeit in different forms.
Previously, I relied on others to fill my cup, but now I understand that true fulfillment comes from within. True worth comes from honouring yourself and acknowledging your needs and desires without guilt or shame. It's about embracing your individuality and nurturing the spark of divinity within you. Learning to cultivate and prioritize my well-being has been a transformative journey that continues to unfold with each passing day.
As my values changed, I found my voice again and stood up for my boundaries. I diligently take care of my needs. Others don’t like it when you change. It is a very lonely process. But, so worth it! The weight started coming off again and quickly. Why? Because I didn’t need validation or acknowledgement from others. I gave it to myself. I now look at myself in the mirror directly into my eyes and tell that person how proud I am of them. I don’t care what others think. I need to be honest with myself and love me for me unconditionally.
The journey of self-discovery and healing is not always marked by overwhelming sorrow or profound suffering. Instead, it unfolds in subtle moments of realization and empowerment. It's the small victories, the quiet epiphanies that shape our path towards wholeness. Healing occurs when you recognize your worth and prioritize your needs, whether in the decision to change direction or the courage to say no to what no longer serves you.
Oscar Wilde says it best, "To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance."
As parents, it's essential to recognize that external factors like weight, jobs, or roles in our families don't define our self-worth. Instead, it's rooted in the unique individuals we are created to be. My journey is a powerful example of how I once tied my self-worth to pleasing others and fulfilling societal expectations. However, through self-discovery and healing, I've learned to prioritize my needs and embrace my worthiness independent of external validation. This journey underscores the importance of being role models for our children, showing them that true fulfillment comes from within and encouraging them to cultivate self-love and authenticity. By modelling self-worth grounded in inner strength and acceptance, we empower our children to navigate life's challenges with resilience and confidence, ensuring they embark on their journeys of self-discovery with courage and grace.
At this moment, I find myself grappling with the concept of autonomy. Balancing the dynamics of relationships—whether with a spouse, children, grandchildren, or friends—while prioritizing my needs presents a challenge. How do I maintain a sense of self and independence while nurturing meaningful connections with others? I will explore this in next week’s episode: Navigating Autonomy within Relationships.
Remember, the key is to lead by example and create a safe space for open communication within your family.
Change begins with ourselves!
You are not alone in this parenting journey!
To learn more about Cathy or submit a topic or question, check out her website at parentingyoungsters.com
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The Tips for Parenting Youngsters Podcast and content posted by Cathy Barker is presented solely for general information, educational, and entertainment purposes. The use of information on this podcast or materials linked from this podcast or website is at the user’s own risk. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional, diagnosis, or treatment. Users should not disregard or delay in obtaining medical advice for any medical or mental health condition they may have. They should seek the assistance of their healthcare professional for any such conditions.
