4 Ways You Can Empower Yourself in A Power Struggle
4 Ways You Can Empower Yourself in A Power Struggle
Throughout my sixty-plus years of living, I have experienced more power struggles than I care to remember. From living with my parents and siblings to fellow employees, my children and my spouse. Each experience vying to assert control, influence, or dominance over me.
I was raised by an overbearing and angry mother who constantly belittled me. By the time I moved out, I had low self-esteem and self-worth. Therefore, whenever I was in a power struggle, I always caved. I swear I had the letter “L” stamped on my forehead because I attracted many power-hungry individuals. I was bullied frequently with no skills to handle the situation, but run in fear.
It wasn’t until I started on my journey to be a better parent that I discovered the way my parents raised me affected how I handled power struggles.
So, what exactly is a power struggle?
A power struggle is when people or groups argue or compete to be in charge or have more influence over the other person. It happens when everyone wants things their way and doesn't want to listen to others.
Power struggles can happen between friends, at school, or in families. Sometimes, people use different tactics, like arguing or trying to trick others to get what they want.
The goal of a power struggle is often to gain or maintain power, dominance, or advantage over others, leading to tensions, conflicts, or power imbalances within the relationship or situation.
Here Are Signs That Can Indicate You're in a Power Struggle:
Constant Conflict: If you frequently argue or disagree with someone over various issues, it can be a sign of a power struggle. These conflicts may arise over seemingly minor matters but escalate into more significant disputes about control or influence.
Feeling Resentful or Frustrated: You may feel resentful or frustrated if you constantly feel like your opinions or desires are being ignored or overridden by someone else. This frustration often stems from a perceived imbalance of power in the relationship. Consequently, you end up holding a grudge.
Competitive Behavior: If you notice competitive behaviour, such as one-upmanship or attempts to outdo each other, it could indicate a power struggle. This competitive dynamic may manifest in various aspects of the relationship, including finances, health, or parenting.
Emotional Exhaustion: Power struggles can be emotionally draining, leaving you exhausted, stressed, or anxious. Constantly battling for control affects your physical and emotional well-being.
Patterns of Control: Pay attention to patterns of control within the relationship. Control could include one person consistently making decisions without consulting the other, using manipulation or coercion to get their way, or exerting authority to undermine the other person's autonomy.
5 Typical Power Struggle Situations In Your Parenting Journey
- Bedtime Battles: Your child refuses to go to bed at the designated time, leading to a power struggle between you, who wants them to sleep and your child, who wants to stay up later.
- Mealtime Meltdowns: You insist your child eats their vegetables, but they refuse, resulting in a power struggle over food preferences and nutritional habits.
I messed up on this one. I was the parent who made my kids sit at the table until they had eaten all their vegetables. My son did not want to eat his Brussels sprouts this one day. Where I messed up was in not giving him autonomy. It was a textural thing with him. So, be mindful when insisting your kids eat their vegetables.
3. Homework Hassles: You try to help your child with homework, but they resist, leading to a power struggle over academic independence and parental guidance. I tried this a few times with my daughters and math. It didn’t go well at all.
4. Screen Time Showdown: You limit your child's screen time, but they protest and demand more. As a grandparent, I see how screen time entertains kids for hours, making it easy for parents to let them. I get it; you are often exhausted and overwhelmed, making screen time easier in family life. I suggest working on a couple of hours or one day a week where screen time is limited for everyone in the family.
5. Teen Independence: Your teenager wants more freedom and autonomy, but you impose strict rules and curfews, resulting in a power struggle over independence and trust.
I remember this one night my husband climbed into bed exhausted after dealing with one of our daughters. “I quit,” he says to me. I laughed but knew how he felt. Teen years are a constant battle of power struggles. The way I handled the teen years with my children, I always kept the lines of communication open. They could tell me anything without judgment. Sometimes, they told me things I wasn’t prepared to hear. I listened this way because that was the type of parent I needed as a teenager but didn’t have. Because of the open communication and non-judgment, I was also there for my children’s friends who struggled with their family life.
It's normal for there to be arguments between you and your children and spouse. After all, you're all trying to figure out your place in the family and the world. However, constant power struggles can create tension and hurt feelings. So, how can you deal with a power struggle when you find yourself in one?
4 Ways You Can Empower Yourself in a Power Struggle
- Stay Calm: When emotions run high, it's easy to get swept up in the heat of the moment. Take a deep breath and try staying calm. By staying calm, you can think more clearly and find a solution without things escalating. It’s okay to take the time to breathe.
- Know when to let go: Say something to the person when your feelings don’t fade. Maybe your mind has allowed the words or situation to go, but your true feelings haven’t. When you feel it in your body, say your heart area, knees or shoulder, that’s a sign to say something.
If it’s only for you, let it go. Ask yourself if what I’m about to say will make the relationship better. Or, is it only to make me feel better? You should probably let it go if it only makes you feel better. In other words, pick your battles.
If they are worth your time, attention, and energy, say something, or you lose the opportunity to strengthen that relationship. Unsaid words don’t make strong bonds. I find this to be true. Resolving misunderstandings with the people you care for deeply strengthens that relationship.
- Assertive communication: Instead of shouting over each other, listen to what the other person is saying. Share how you feel using "I" statements like "I feel upset when..." or "I would like it if..."
You can also say out loud what you will do next by telling your children or spouse, then do it. For example, “I’m going to hang up the phone now.” “I’m going to walk away from this conversation;” “I’m going to ignore how you just spoke to me.” When you state your intention out loud, that empowers you with a sense of control and makes you more assertive, NOT aggressive.
- Setting Boundaries: If someone does something you don’t like, refrain from saying, “Please don’t do that,” which comes from a place of weakness. It is better to come from a place of authority, such as “I do not accept the way you’re treating me right now.” “I do not allow people to talk to me that way.”
That shows authority over yourself and your self-worth, NOT the other person. You control how others interact with you and what you will tolerate.
Get comfortable with saying, “when I am ready.” “I will respond when I’m ready.” “I will address this subject when I am ready.” Your needs drive the schedule, not the other way around.
The above tips help when you deal with someone who is more open to communication and has some empathy. But how do you deal with an egotistical person?
3 Ways to Argue with an Egotistical Person
- The most powerful move you can make is no move at all. Don’t give an egotistical person the reaction they want from you. They are hoping you say something ugly because once you do, the whole dynamics of the conversation changes. They flip the script. It now becomes what you just did to them, which takes that attention away from them and what they have been doing.
- You don’t need an apology to validate your feelings and what happened to you. Don’t get caught up in trying to show or make them understand how they hurt you. They won’t get it. A person with narcissistic tendencies knows full well what they’re doing. They know they are hurting you. They may not understand why they are doing what they are doing. But they know what to say and do to hurt you. They don’t have the ability to care. You don’t need their confession to know your feelings are valid.
- Walking away may be the healthiest response you can make. Maybe your perspective needs a course correction to bring you back to peace of mind.
DISCLAIMER: This blog is for educational and entertainment purposes ONLY. I am by no means an expert on identifying or advising you on narcissists. If you believe you are in this situation, I strongly urge you to seek help and assistance.
Internal Power Struggles: Sometimes, the most intense power struggles happen within ourselves. Internal power struggles can involve inner conflicts between our desires and responsibilities, struggles with self-doubt and imposter syndrome, or battles against harmful habits or thought patterns.
Self-awareness, resilience, and self-compassion can help us navigate these internal power struggles and cultivate inner peace and authenticity. Next week’s topic is about self-worth.
Remember, disagreements are a normal part of any relationship. What matters is how you handle them. Approach power struggles with patience, empathy, and willingness to compromise to strengthen your bond and build happier, more harmonious family relationships.
So, next time you find yourself in a power struggle with your partner or children, take a deep breath, keep these tips in mind, and work together to find a solution that benefits all of you.
Parenting can be challenging. Remember, the only person we can change is ourselves. If you have thoughts, questions, or stories, I'd love to hear from you! Email me at [email protected], and let's start a conversation. Your input helps shape the content of my podcast and creates a supportive community for parents like you.
Quick Tip: Power Palms: Rub your palms together briskly for 10 seconds to generate warmth and energy. Then, place your warm palms on your heart and take a deep breath. Feel the warmth spreading through your body, calming your nerves and empowering you to handle the power struggle with grace and confidence.
Remember, the key is to lead by example and create a safe space for open communication within your family.
Change begins with ourselves!
You are not alone in this parenting journey!
To learn more about Cathy or submit a topic or question, check out her website at parentingyoungsters.com
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DISCLAIMER
The Tips for Parenting Youngsters Podcast and content posted by Cathy Barker is presented solely for general information, educational, and entertainment purposes. The use of information on this podcast or materials linked from this podcast or website is at the user’s own risk. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional, diagnosis, or treatment. Users should not disregard or delay in obtaining medical advice for any medical or mental health condition they may have. They should seek the assistance of their healthcare professional for any such conditions.
