3 Easy Tips for Handling Sibling Rivalry
Brothers and Sisters: 3 Easy Tips for Handling Sibling Rivalry
You will learn:
What is Sibling Rivalry
How Parents Contribute To Sibling Rivalry
3 Tips for Handling Sibling Rivalry
I am going to let you in on a little secret. As a parent, I messed up a lot. Parenting doesn’t come with a manual. It is on-the-job training; your youngsters will give you your most significant life lessons if you pay attention.
I started my parenting journey by knowing how my parents parented, and I wasn’t going to parent my children the same way. I wanted to swing the pendulum the other way so my youngsters had higher self-esteem and self-worth.
However, some parenting behaviours were inherent, such as spanking and yelling. One day, in a heated argument with my oldest daughter and husband, my husband brought my uncontrolled yelling to my attention. That was my aha moment when I started on the journey of self-discovery to be a better parent and, in doing so, also became a better person.
What I remember mostly from my childhood was the hitting, name-calling, and unfair responsibility. As I have mentioned before, my mother was emotionally unstable and suffered from bouts of depression and anger issues. As the oldest of four, I took on many parenting responsibilities. This led to enormous conflict between my sister and brothers, causing all kinds of sibling rivalry.
What is Sibling Rivalry?
Sibling rivalry occurs when siblings feel jealous, competitive, or resentful towards each other. They argue over toys, parents' attention, or what TV show to watch. It's important to understand that sibling rivalry doesn't mean siblings don't love each other; it's just a natural part of having brothers and sisters.
How Parents Contribute to Sibling Rivalry
I am not here to blame parents but to bring awareness to how we contribute to sibling rivalry.
- Jealousy: Sometimes, one sibling might feel jealous of the other. For example, if a younger sibling gets more attention from parents because they need more help with homework, the older sibling might feel left out.
Growing up, I was mostly happy and easy to get along with. My sister, on the other hand, was more stubborn and difficult. Consequently, I received more attention from family and friends. My Mom made sure I knew how unfair it was to my sister, even though I did nothing wrong. Jealousy caused all kinds of resentment between my sister and myself.
2. Competition: Siblings might compete for different things, like who is better at sports or who gets to sit in the car's front seat. Competition leads to arguments and hurt feelings.
You might relate to this if you have a sister. You are walking down the hall at school and see your sister wearing the outfit you bought with the money you earned. You were saving wearing it for a party coming up. She waited to dress until you left for school because she knew better. My sister wanted something that I had without having to work for it.
3. . Avoid Comparisons: Every sibling has unique interests, talents, and personalities. Try not to compare your children to each other. Celebrate each child's unique skills and accomplishments, and avoid playing favourites.
One child might work in finance and follow in your footsteps. One child might work in the arts. Value each child for their uniqueness.
My Mom did not acknowledge the differences between my sister and me. I loved sports, and my sister loved reading. My Mom constantly wanted my sister to get outside and be active like I was, which was more than my sister wanted.
My sister and I shared a bedroom. I loved a tidy room. My sister loved a messy room. My sister and I had endless fights about our bedroom. Who was to clean up the room, who did more than who? How my Mom handled these arguments contributed to the relationship between my sister and myself.
4. Unfairness: Siblings might feel like their parents mistreat them. They might think one sibling gets away with breaking the rules while the other always gets in trouble.
Unfairness was a big part of how my parents raised me. According to my Mom, I was responsible for all the fights because I was the oldest. One day, my brother was a troublemaker and was causing a fight. When Mom asked what happened, my brother and I told our stories. My Mom replied, Cathy, you are the oldest. You know better. Years later, my brother finally confessed to me that he was the actual instigator of the problem. He also took advantage of being the “golden child that day.”
So, how can you help to manage sibling rivalry?
3 Easy Tips for Handling Sibling Rivalry
- Active Listening: Listen to their feelings when your children are upset or angry, and tell them you understand. Validate their emotions and reassure them that feeling that way is okay.
In a previous episode, I talked about active listening. As a reminder, here are the five key elements of active listening.
The 5 Key Elements of Active Listening:
Ⅰ. Give Your Full Attention by stopping what you are doing.
Ⅱ. Make Eye Contact: Look your child in the eye.
Ⅲ. Use Verbal and Non-Verbal Cues by nodding or acknowledging what they say.
Ⅳ. Reflective Responses: paraphrasing what your child told you so they can clear up any confusion.
Ⅴ. Withhold Judgment: Withholding judgment encourages open communication without fear of punishment.
As a parent and grandparent, I continue to hone these skills I talk about to build self-esteem in the children I am involved with. Currently, I help grades 1 and 2 by listening to them read. Not all of them are great readers, and those children love to talk. They talk about anything so they don’t have to read. I listen, really listen. Being a parent myself, I can empathize with the struggles their parents are going through. I hope listening to these little ones helps the parents by giving them undivided attention so when they get home, they are not so demanding to be heard.
- Set Rules and Boundaries: Establish clear rules and boundaries for behaviour in your home. Ensure your youngsters know the rules and what happens if they don't follow them.
When my children were home, I was mostly a single parent because my husband’s work took him away during the week. Man, that was hard. I felt tired and overwhelmed most of the time, which made it challenging to maintain consistency in enforcing rules, such as how much time they watched TV. Nowadays, it is screen time. Most of the time, I gave in to my children's requests for more TV. However, this inconsistency sent mixed messages to my children and undermined the effectiveness of the boundary.
Ultimately, while it's natural for you to feel tired and overwhelmed, making an effort to prioritize consistency in enforcing boundaries can help create a more harmonious family environment and promote positive behaviour in children.
For screen time, try implementing strategies to make boundary enforcement easier, such as setting up parental controls on devices or creating a visual schedule to help children understand and follow the rules independently.
Additionally, you can communicate openly with your children about the importance of everyone in the family working together to maintain household rules, including screen time boundaries. You can foster cooperation and mutual respect by involving children in discussions about family expectations and responsibilities.
- Teach Conflict Resolution Skills: Help your children resolve conflicts. Teach them how to listen to each other's perspectives, express their feelings calmly, and find solutions for everyone.
I learned a fantastic way to resolve conflicts when raising my three children. There were times when tension was high in the house due to unresolved conflicts. Even the littlest conflict, if not dealt with, holds a grudge.
When this happened, any of us would send out a written note to hold a family meeting. We didn’t have cell phones back then to text. We would gather around the dining table in our pyjamas on the said date and time. Dressing in our pyjamas made us more equal and less confrontational.
The rules were each person had a chance to speak their mind, and there was no name-calling.
We would work on new boundaries, and once everyone was happy, we would lick a bit of peanut butter off a spoon. Licking the spoon signified that everyone agreed to our resolution, and the meeting ended.
You can adapt this idea to current times. The point is to deal with unresolved conflict. All those unresolved conflicts damage relationships, causing siblings to feel hurt and resentful towards each other, which creates grudges and more grudges - ultimately destroying the relationship. Unresolved conflicts never go away.
How we parent contributes to siblings' relationships later in life. As I reflect, my Mom continued to keep us siblings apart even after her death. I know the way she parented was part of her illness. Unfortunately, my siblings do not have the awareness I have of what happened. Consequently, the conflict between us continues.
As a parent, I worked hard to resolve conflicts between myself and my youngsters and between each other. Some people are not open to resolving conflict because it doesn’t serve them.
I am happy to say my family enjoy each other's company. It warms my heart to see my son drop in on his sister or my two daughters sharing a laugh. I can’t take all the credit because, at the end of the day, what we value determines our relationships.
I am sharing my stories to shine a light on how families are interrelated. We must reflect on our upbringing to become a better parent.
Next, I will discuss the topic of power struggles. Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you feel like you're wrestling for control? It could be with your spouse or children. Well, you're not alone! I’ll talk about power struggles and how to deal with them, especially in the family.
If you feel overwhelmed or struggle with parenting, you're not alone. I invite you to email me at [email protected] and share your thoughts. Whether you have questions, need advice, or want to start a dialogue, I'm here to listen and support you. Let's navigate the ups and downs of parenting together and build a community where we can learn from each other's experiences.
Quick tip: Deep Breathing: When tensions rise between siblings, encourage everyone to take a deep breath. Instruct them to inhale slowly through their nose, hold for a few seconds, and exhale slowly through their mouth. This instant relaxation technique can help diffuse the situation and bring a sense of calm to the moment. This will serve them well into the future.
Remember, the key is to lead by example and create a safe space for open communication within your family.
Change begins with ourselves!
You are not alone in this parenting journey!
To learn more about Cathy or submit a topic or question, check out her website at parentingyoungsters.com
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The Tips for Parenting Youngsters Podcast and content posted by Cathy Barker is presented solely for general information, educational, and entertainment purposes. The use of information on this podcast or materials linked from this podcast or website is at the user’s own risk. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional, diagnosis, or treatment. Users should not disregard or delay in obtaining medical advice for any medical or mental health condition they may have. They should seek the assistance of their healthcare professional for any such conditions.
