How To Build A Healthy Relationship With Your Ex

Co-parenting: How To Build a Healthy Relationship with Your Ex 

What You Will Learn:

Four main parenting styles

Ideal Co-Parenting

Three main co-parenting models

Co-Parenting with a Narcissist

5 Toxic Situations in Co-Parenting: Dealing with the Tough Stuff

What to Look for in a Co-Parenting App

Co-parenting is hard work. From my experience, friends co-parenting is one of the most challenging life experiences for everyone involved, from you to your children to your family and ex-family. 

I have listened to a friend as they anguished between asking their partner to leave or putting up with the behaviour from addictions. 

I was there to emotionally support them the day their ex moved out. Would there be a backlash? If so, what kind of backlash? What do they tell the kids who are just starting school? Now what? How do we parent our children in a healthy manner? 

I have listened as another friend expressed their anger and frustrations at their ex, who didn’t stick to the schedule, who didn’t financially support their children and left it all up to the one spouse. 

Understanding parenting styles will help you to know how your parents parented you.

4 Main Parenting Styles

• Authoritarian: This is the strict parent who lays down the law and expects obedience. The authoritarian style is the parenting style that causes POWER STRUGGLES.
• Permissive: This parent is more laid-back and flexible, letting the kids have a say. It's like being the cool aunt or uncle who always lets you stay up past bedtime.
• Uninvolved:  This is when a parent is checked out and not involved in their kids' lives. It's like having a ghost parent who's there but not really.
• Authoritative: This is the balanced approach, where there are rules, but there's room for discussion and understanding. 

Like my family members, as hard as they tried and deliberated whether to split or to stay, they made the difficult decision to separate. Now what? How are the two of you going to co-parent your children? 

Ideal Co-Parenting:

Co-parenting is all about teamwork, even when the team isn't on the same page. It's when separated or divorced parents come together to raise their children, working together to decide their kids' upbringing, education, health, and overall well-being. 

Ideal co-parenting means putting aside personal differences and focusing on what's best for the children, creating a supportive and stable environment for them to thrive despite the changes in family structure. I don’t know of any separated parents who co-parent this way because, usually, the relationship between parents is toxic. 

3 Main Co-parenting Models

Let's talk about the three main co-parenting models. Think of them as different paths you can take on this co-parenting journey:

• Parallel Parenting: This one's like having separate lanes on a highway. You and your ex do your own thing when it comes to parenting. You're not always on the same page, but you're still moving forward without stepping too much on each other's toes.
• Conflicted Parenting: Okay, this one's tricky. It's like trying to drive a car with one person pushing the gas pedal and the other hitting the brakes. There's a lot of tension and disagreement, making things difficult for everyone involved.
• Cooperative Parenting: Picture two teammates on the same soccer field. You and your ex work together, passing the ball back and forth (figuratively, of course!) and making decisions about your kids as a team. It's all about communication and teamwork.

Remember, co-parenting isn't always easy, but it's worth it for the sake of your youngsters. As mentioned, most parents separate because of a toxic relationship. Here are a few ideas for co-parenting when you have a challenging ex with narcissistic tendencies. 

Co-Parenting with a Narcissist:

Co-parenting with a narcissist can feel like you're navigating a minefield – unpredictable and potentially explosive because they prioritize their needs and desires over others. Co-parenting with a narcissist makes it challenging to establish healthy boundaries and effective communication. 

They may engage in manipulative tactics, gaslighting, and power struggles, making it difficult to co-parent cooperatively and harmoniously. In such situations, you must prioritize your well-being and the well-being of your children, set clear boundaries, seek support from therapists or mediators, and document interactions for legal purposes if necessary. 

I am by no means an expert on identifying nor advising you on co-parenting with a narcissistic spouse, and I strongly urge you to seek help and get assistance.

Co-parenting can be like navigating a maze sometimes. And just like in a maze, you might encounter some twists and turns. Here are five ways you can try to build a healthy relationship with your ex, along with examples and solutions to help you find your way out:

How To Build A Healthy Relationship With Your Ex

1.  Constant Conflict: Picture this: Every time you and your ex try to make decisions for your youngsters, it turns into a full-blown argument. 

Example: You and your ex can't agree on disciplining your child. They think timeouts work best, but you prefer taking away privileges.

Solution: Find common ground by focusing on what's best for each child. You can agree to combine both methods or try different approaches to see what works.

2.  Undermining Each Other: It's like trying to build a sandcastle with someone who keeps knocking it down. You and your ex might not see eye-to-eye on everything, but constantly undermining each other's authority can cause confusion and resentment for your youngsters.

Example: You tell your child they can't have dessert before dinner, but when they go to your ex's house, they get ice cream right before the meal.

Solution: Chat with your ex about presenting a united front to your kids. Try to develop some basic rules and boundaries you can agree on and stick to them as much as possible.

3.  Using The Kids as Pawns: This one's a toughie. Sometimes, your ex might use the youngsters as leverage to get what they want from you. Whether withholding visitation or badmouthing you in front of the kids, it's not fair to anyone involved.

Example: Your ex changes the weekend visitation with the kids at the last minute because they're upset with you about something unrelated.

Solution: Keep the focus on your kids' well-being and try to put any personal conflicts aside. 

4.  Lack of Communication: It's like trying to play the game telephone with someone not even in the same room. When there's a lack of communication between co-parents, important information can slip through the cracks, causing misunderstandings and frustration.

Example: Your child's teacher sends home a note about an upcoming school event, but your ex forgets to pass it along to you.

Solution: Make communication a priority by setting up regular check-ins or using tools like shared calendars and messaging apps to keep each other in the loop. It might take some extra effort, but it's worth it in the long run.

5. Disrespecting Boundaries: Everyone needs their space, including co-parents. When your ex constantly oversteps boundaries or tries to control everything, it can create resentment and strain the co-parenting relationship.

Example: Your ex shows up unannounced at your house during your designated parenting time without checking in first.

Solution: Talk with your ex about respecting each other's boundaries and sticking to the agreed-upon schedule. Boundaries are essential in all areas of our lives, especially when it comes to co-parenting.

To help with the above situations, I have learned there are great co-parenting apps. A good co-parenting app can be a lifesaver when it comes to co-parenting in the digital age. But with so many options out there, knowing what to look for is important. Co-parenting apps might be one-sided, but they provide a means to document what happens. 

What to Look for in a Co-Parenting App:

Firstly, ease of use is critical – the app should be intuitive and user-friendly for both of you. It should also offer features like shared calendars for scheduling parenting time and events, messaging platforms for accessible communication, and expense tracking for managing shared finances. 

Security is another essential factor – the app should prioritize privacy and data protection to keep sensitive information safe. A word of advice: when using apps, be mindful of syncing so that information stays ONLY between you and your ex. 

Customization Options: An excellent co-parenting app should allow customization to fit your family's unique needs and preferences. 

 Compatibility and Accessibility: Co-parenting apps should be accessible across various operating systems (e.g., iOS, Android) and devices (e.g., smartphones, tablets, computers) to ensure both of you can easily access and use the app regardless of your tech preferences. Additionally, check if the app offers offline access or synchronization options to stay connected even without an internet connection.

 My friends continue to struggle with their exes, and their children continue to struggle with their hurts. I listen and support them with love and compassion. 

 With separation comes hurt, pain and anger. But holding on to all those toxic emotions only hurts you; it doesn’t hurt your ex at all because they move on. A project I am working on at this time is about forgiveness.

 Forgiveness is a process to work through, and it is the greatest gift you can give to yourself. I am creating an online course available in August to help those interested in forgiveness. I will keep you posted. Remember, change only begins with ourselves. 

Next week, I am discussing sibling rivalry, the ultimate showdown between brothers and sisters! It's like a never-ending game of competition and bickering. But why does it happen? Well, imagine you and your sibling are two different characters in a video game. Sometimes, you both want to be the main character, and that's when things get interesting!

Tune in to this episode to discover why siblings sometimes clash and how you can level up your family game by dealing with rivalry like a pro!

Remember, the key is to lead by example and create a safe space for open communication within your family. 

Change begins with ourselves!

You are not alone in this parenting journey!

To learn more about Cathy or submit a topic or question, check out her website at parentingyoungsters.com

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The Tips for Parenting Youngsters Podcast and content posted by Cathy Barker is presented solely for general information, educational, and entertainment purposes. The use of information on this podcast or materials linked from this podcast or website is at the user’s own risk. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional, diagnosis, or treatment. Users should not disregard or delay in obtaining medical advice for any medical or mental health condition they may have. They should seek the assistance of their healthcare professional for any such conditions.