Emotional Intelligence and 7 Ways to Help Manage Your Emotions
You hear a baby cooing as it drifts off to sleep. What do you feel, and how do you react? Are you happy, content, or in love? Do you snuggle the baby even closer?
Now, you hear the same baby crying in the middle of the night. What are you feeling now, and how do you react? Depending on the experience, we experience many emotions towards the same person.
Emotional intelligence is recognizing your emotions, such as happiness, sadness, anger, or excitement and knowing how to manage your feelings respectfully. It is also recognizing different emotions in others.
Here is an example.
Let's say your child accidentally spills juice on your white living room carpet. Our initial reaction as parents are to yell and scream at our children out of frustration and anger instead of using emotional intelligence, which is a better way to handle the situation. Let me explain.
Our emotions have the upper hand because our brains are hard-wired that way. We react instead of respond, whether positively or negatively.
Our perceptions or impressions of events enter at the base of our brain, the spinal cord. Everything we see, smell, taste, and touch travels through our limbic system to our cerebral cortex, which is at the front of the brain.
When our perceptions or impressions pass through our limbic system, we experience our emotions or feelings toward the event. The same event then travels to the cerebral cortex, the rational part of our brain.
So, to be emotionally intelligent, we need to communicate between our limbic system, our emotions, and our cerebral cortex, which is the rational thinking part of our brain.
For the example above, you see juice on your white carpet, which is your perception or impression of the event. Your senses enter your spinal cord. Then it travels to the limbic system, your emotions, causing you to feel anger and frustration before it reaches your cerebral cortex, the rational thinking when you calm down, ask what happened and work out a solution to keep you both with good self-esteem. You for not yelling and feeling ashamed of being out of control, and your child for not being the brunt of the yelling when it was an accident.
To better understand emotional intelligence, here are three key competencies that can help you evaluate your abilities:
- Self-awareness
- How to Manage Your Emotions
- Be empathetic
Self-awareness: Self-aware people can identify and acknowledge their emotions and how they affect their behaviour.
How to Become More Self-Aware
- Pay attention to your feelings: Take time to notice how you feel throughout the day. Are you happy, sad, or frustrated? Understanding your emotions is the first step to becoming more self-aware. Also, don't judge your feelings as positive or negative because doing so prevents you from understanding your feelings. Judging your feelings compounds more emotion on what you are already feeling and stops the original feeling from running its course.
I learned there are five core feelings and variations of those five. The five core emotions are happiness, sadness, anger, fear and shame.
Throughout our day, we experience all kinds of emotions without noticing them. That is because of their intensity. Here is what I mean.
A low intensity of happiness is contentment, a medium intensity is gratitude, and a high intensity is elation.
Or how about shame? A low intensity is bashful, a medium intensity is guilty, and a high intensity is worthless. Once we learn more about our emotions, we can empathize better with our children and help them understand their feelings for better communication.
Reflect on your actions: Once you have identified your emotions, take a few minutes at the end of the day to consider why you did certain things. Did you choose because it felt right, or were you trying to please someone else? Thinking about your actions can help you understand your motives and values. A great way to do this is by journaling. Getting your thoughts down on paper helps to release negative emotions and boost your self-esteem when you behave respectfully.
Know your core values and beliefs.
When I was growing up with my parents and siblings, we never discussed core values and beliefs. I know my parents had them because we all emulate what we believe and value without even knowing.
Our children watch us like hawks picking up the values and beliefs that we inherited from our parents. These inherited values and beliefs are how patterns of behaviour become generational.
Now is the time to take time and change unwanted patterns of behaviour by evaluating with your children what everyone values and believes in.
As a family, write these down and post them in an area for everyone to see. When our lives get so hectic, having these values visible is an excellent reminder of what we believe in to respond rather than react to keep everyone's self-esteem intact. Next week's episode dives more into this topic.
7 Ways to Manage Your Emotional Responses:
- Breathe: In every article you read, the first thing to do is pause and take a breath. However, we never take the time to do this because we are uncomfortable with the silence. However, taking that breath calms us down and allows the process to go from our spinal cord to the cerebral cortex, the rational part of our brain, that will enable us to respond and not react. Every time you practice breathing and being in the moment, it gets easier and easier.
- Create an emotion vs reason list - I like this idea because it keeps our emotions involved from a rational point of view. Here is what you do. Make two columns on a sheet of paper by drawing a line down the middle of the page. On the left side of the page, write down what emotions or heart is telling you to do. On the right-hand side of the page, write what your mind is telling you to do. Now, here are two critical questions to ask yourself. Where are my emotions clouding my judgement, and where are the rational thoughts ignoring your feelings? We need to respond by using both our hearts and our minds.
- Self-talk - I am forever talking to myself through challenging situations I experience with family, work, and life. I also listen to a great app such as Think Up. They have great positive affirmations, or you can create your own. You record the affirmation in your voice and choose the background music. Listening to these affirmations daily has shifted my thinking significantly and helped me to cope better with believing in myself and my abilities.
- Rest is best. What more can I say? Getting a good night's sleep is imperative. To make better decisions, keep rested. In my episode on self-discipline, I explained that our ability to make good decisions decreases throughout the day as we become more tired. That's why you react to your children instead of responding at the end of the day. Create an excellent evening routine to get the rest you need.
- Learn a valuable lesson. Our emotions teach us valuable lessons to help us grow.
For example, anger is there to protect you. When you are angry, yourself is letting you know that you are being disrespected, neglected and abused in some way. It can motivate us to address issues, set boundaries, and assert ourselves.
Frustration arises when we encounter obstacles or challenges that impede our progress. It teaches patience, resilience, and adaptability, encouraging us to find alternative solutions, seek support, or revise our approach. Frustration reminds us that setbacks are opportunities for learning and growth.
Happiness teaches us what brings us joy and fulfillment. It encourages us to pursue activities, relationships, and goals that enhance our well-being. It also reminds us to appreciate the positive aspects of life and cultivate gratitude.
- Self-care - I will discuss this topic in an upcoming episode. Self-care is vital for us to be positive parents. What does self-care involve? Take time out for yourself. When scheduling even 10 minutes to get out the door, enjoy the fresh air and move your body, which helps you manage your feelings.
- Speak to someone - this is so important. I have spoken to various counsellors to help me manage my feelings, especially with anxiety and depression. They have also been great in helping me identify my feelings and triggers, significantly growing up with how my parents parented me. My mother did not have control over her emotions, leading to a chaotic family environment. I learned this behaviour of reacting and acting this way with my children until I realized the damage I was causing to their self-esteem. I knew the only person I could change was myself. Once I changed, I knew my children would change also because, like I keep saying, we are their role models.
3rd Core Competency - Empathy for others:
In parenting, cultivating empathy is crucial for fostering healthy relationships and nurturing emotional intelligence in children. It involves recognizing and validating your children's emotions and actively listening and understanding their perspectives.
By empathizing with your children's feelings, you create a safe and supportive environment where they feel heard and understood. Being empathetic deepens the parent-child bond and encourages open communication.
Through empathy, you can teach your children valuable social and emotional skills, such as compassion, kindness, and tolerance.
By modelling empathetic behaviour, you instill in your children the importance of empathy in building solid and meaningful connections with others, laying the foundation for their emotional well-being and success in navigating the world's complexities.
Parents aspire to raise successful, kind, empathetic, and morally grounded children. But in a rapidly changing world, how do we ensure that the values we instill in our youngsters stand the test of time? Join me next as I explore values—those fundamental beliefs that shape our children's character, decisions, and interactions with the world around them.
Remember, the key is to lead by example and create a safe space for open communication within your family.
Change begins with ourselves!
You are not alone in this parenting journey!
To learn more about Cathy or submit a topic or question, check out her website at parentingyoungsters.com
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The Tips for Parenting Youngsters Podcast and content posted by Cathy Barker are presented solely for general information, educational, and entertainment purposes. The use of information on this podcast or materials linked from this podcast or website is at the user’s own risk. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional, diagnosis, or treatment. Users should not disregard or delay in obtaining medical advice for any medical or mental health condition they may have. They should seek the assistance of their healthcare professional for any such conditions.
