How to Identify Triggers and 6 Ways to Empower Yourself
Triggers is a difficult episode for me because talking about triggers is triggering. It is bringing up past hurts and shame. But to keep building my self-esteem and confidence, I keep facing my triggers one at a time. The joy and freedom of working through my triggers are greater than keeping them bottled up inside.
What are Triggers?
Triggers can manifest in various ways, often catching us off guard with their intensity.
For instance, your child's refusal to listen or comply with instructions might evoke feelings of frustration or inadequacy in you, especially if you’re already stressed or overwhelmed.
Similarly, your teenager's eye roll or dismissive attitude could trigger feelings of hurt or rejection, tapping into deep-seated insecurities about your abilities or relationship dynamics.
Even seemingly innocuous situations, such as your child's innocent question or request for attention, can trigger feelings of overwhelm or inadequacy in your already stretched thin by competing demands.
These triggers can serve as potent reminders of our vulnerabilities as parents, prompting us to react instinctively or defensively to protect ourselves or our children.
However, it's essential to recognize that while triggers may arise unexpectedly, we possess the power to acknowledge and regulate our responses. By cultivating self-awareness and practicing mindfulness, we can discern the root causes of our triggers and choose more constructive ways of engaging with our children.
Through open communication, empathy, and self-reflection, we can transform triggering moments into opportunities for growth and connection within our families.
Triggers can emerge from various sources beyond interactions with our children. Here are some additional ways triggers can manifest:
Interpersonal Relationships: Triggers often arise in interactions with spouses, family members, friends, or colleagues. Comments or actions that remind us of past conflicts or unresolved issues can evoke strong emotional reactions.
Work Environment: Stressful situations at work, such as tight deadlines, challenging projects, or conflicts with coworkers, can trigger feelings of anxiety, frustration, or inadequacy.
Social Media and News: Exposure to distressing content on social media or in the news, such as tragic events or heated debates, can trigger feelings of sadness, anger, or helplessness.
Negative Self-Talk: Internal dialogue characterized by self-criticism, doubt, or perfectionism can act as triggers, reinforcing feelings of inadequacy or unworthiness.
Unmet Needs or Expectations: When our needs for validation, recognition, or support go unfulfilled, it can trigger feelings of disappointment, resentment, or loneliness.
Traumatic Events: Past traumatic experiences, whether large or small, can leave lasting imprints on our psyche, leading to heightened sensitivity to specific triggers associated with those events.
An essential step toward managing your emotional responses is identifying your triggers.
Here are some strategies to help you recognize and understand your triggers.
How to Identify Your Emotional Triggers:
Reflect on past experiences: Reflect on moments when you've felt particularly upset or distressed. Consider what happened just before you experienced those emotions. Reflecting on past experiences, you can help identify your patterns and common triggers.
Just thinking about this episode brought so many memories of being ignored by my Mom when she gave her undivided attention to my siblings and not me because I was older.
Keep a trigger journal: Start keeping a journal where you record instances when you experience intense emotions. Note down what happened, how you felt, and how you reacted. A trigger journal helps to identify recurring triggers and gain insight into your emotional responses.
Here are some questions you can ask:
- What situations or events tend to trigger strong emotional responses in me?
- How do I typically react when I encounter these triggers?
- Are there any patterns or recurring themes among my triggers?
- What underlying beliefs or past experiences might be contributing to my reactions?
The other day, I read that James Pennebaker researched the healing power of expressive writing or journaling. In his research, Pennebaker found an increasing number of studies showing evidence that expressive writing or journaling for 15 to 20 minutes per day for only 3 to 4 days can improve physical and mental health. How about giving it a try?
Pay attention to physical sensations: Sometimes, physical sensations such as tension in your body, a racing heart, or shallow breathing can be indicators of emotional triggers. Pay attention to how your body reacts in different situations; these physical cues can help you identify triggers.
I often feel emotional pain in my heart area. Sometimes, I feel it in my knees when experiencing fear, as when I am too afraid to take the next step toward a goal.
Consider your thoughts and beliefs: Your thoughts and beliefs about yourself, others, and the world around you can also trigger emotional responses. Notice any negative or distorted thinking patterns contributing to your emotional reactions.
Because of how my parents parented, I grew up believing I wasn't worthy. I had low self-esteem, anxiety and bouts of depression. About three years ago, I made the courageous decision that I am worthwhile and began changing my thoughts and beliefs about myself by repeating positive affirmations. Affirmations shifted my energy, bringing new people into my life who like and support me just the way I am.
Notice patterns in your behaviour: Certain behaviours or habits you engage in when feeling triggered can also provide clues about your triggers. Pay attention to any patterns in your behaviour, such as withdrawing from others, overeating, or procrastinating.
As I mentioned in episode 8 regarding self-discipline, I was an emotional eater. Food was my best friend in good times, bad times and anytime.
Seek feedback from others: Sometimes, others can provide insights into your triggers that you may not have considered. Consider asking trusted friends, family members, or a therapist for feedback on your emotional reactions and any patterns they may have noticed.
Again, a word of caution when seeking input from others. They might not have your best interest at heart.
Remember that identifying triggers is an ongoing process, and it's okay if it takes time to uncover and understand them thoroughly. Now that you know how to identify your triggers, how the heck do you stop reacting to them?
How Do I Stop Reacting to Triggers?
Here are some strategies to help you stop reacting to triggers:
Engage in positive self-talk: Affirm your ability to manage challenging situations. Remind yourself that you possess the strength to choose your reactions, fostering a sense of empowerment and self-esteem.
This one works great. I use this more now because I know what triggers me. Now, I change the dialogue. My old self felt hurt, angry, and disrespected when someone was late for an appointment. I changed it to: There must be a reason they are late: traffic or unexpected call.
Set boundaries: To protect yourself from triggers, establish boundaries when possible. Your boundaries might involve limiting exposure to certain people, places, or situations that consistently trigger strong emotional reactions.
Here is an excellent example of how I was able to help a friend with her ex-husband using my three pillars of conflict resolution, assertive communication and setting boundaries.
The conflict: They were talking on their phone, which turned into a heated argument over parenting their children about hanging around certain friends. He blamed her and was not open to a discussion; he just told her what he wanted her to do, even though her ex wouldn’t do anything himself. So, she hung up on him.
I could hear frustration, shame, and discouragement in her voice. She knew her emotions were "heightened" as she explained it and didn't want to say something she would regret. It wasn't the first time she had hung up on him. Now, she wanted to change.
Setting Boundaries: I encouraged her by acknowledging her awareness of the situation and removing herself from it. I explained that she could set a boundary for future conversations by explaining to her ex that she will end the conversation by hanging up when her ex begins to blame and criticize her without offering support.
Assertive Communication: She didn't want to say why, meaning that he had triggered her, because that would make her vulnerable in his eyes, and he would know what triggered her to use it in future conversations. I understood. So, we refined what she would say using "I" statements, the assertive communication skill.
“I value open communication and mutual respect. If we can't engage in a constructive dialogue I must step away by hanging up and return to the discussion when we both can be calm and kinder. “
As I said in my introduction, I have learned these skills through my journey as a parent and grandparent. Kindly seek advice from professionals regarding your particular situation.
Develop coping strategies: Identify healthy coping strategies that help you cope with stress and regulate your emotions. Coping strategies can include exercise, journaling, relaxation practices or hobbies that bring joy.
Deep breathing is one coping strategy. When you feel triggered, take a moment to pause and focus on your breath. Deep breathing can help activate your body's relaxation response, calming your mind and reducing the intensity of your emotional reaction.
I find this one harder because I forget to breathe calmly when triggered. I am working on this one by following a great guided YouTube video. I do this first morning and notice how calmer I handle triggers.
Another coping strategy is walking. When I was struggling at home as a child, and even now, I am out the door walking so I can collect my thoughts and calm down. walking
Journaling has also become a big part of my life. Every morning, I journal for ten to fifteen minutes. It feels so good to tell your spouse off in a journal letter when he has angered you. I never give it to him. I have a ritual of burning those letters as a symbol for releasing my emotions.
Empathy: Try to empathize with the person or situation that triggered you. Consider what might motivate their behaviour or actions, and recognize that everyone experiences challenges and struggles. I am working on this one. I must admit, it doesn’t come easy. Journaling helps with this also.
Seek support: Reach out to friends, family members, or a therapist for support and guidance. Talking to someone you trust can provide validation, perspective, and practical strategies for managing triggers more effectively. Image Learn from your experiences:
Remember that breaking old patterns and learning to stop reacting to triggers takes time and effort. Be patient with yourself and celebrate small victories along the way. With practice and perseverance, you can develop greater emotional resilience and more adaptive ways of coping with triggers.
As parents, we serve as the guiding lights for our children, illuminating paths of resilience and emotional intelligence. Understanding and managing our triggers enhances our well-being and sets a far-reaching example for our children to emulate.
Indeed, the journey of self-improvement begins with ourselves, the role models shaping the next generation. Remember, the changes we instill within ourselves ripple outward, shaping the familial landscape with positivity and empowerment. We foster love, understanding, and growth by navigating our emotional triggers with courage and compassion.
Triggers is an excellent segway into next week's topic: emotional intelligence, which is understanding and managing our feelings and the feelings of others. I have found in my life experiences to be emotionless: don’t cry, get angry, or get frustrated. We are told to shut down our emotions instead of controlling them.
Change begins with ourselves!
You are not alone in this parenting journey!
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The Tips for Parenting Youngsters Podcast and content posted by Cathy Barker is presented solely for general information, educational, and entertainment purposes. The use of information on this podcast or materials linked from this podcast or website is at the user’s own risk. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional, diagnosis, or treatment. Users should not disregard or delay in obtaining medical advice for any medical or mental health condition they may have. They should seek the assistance of their healthcare professional for any such conditions.
